Why does my husband get angry over small things? How do I deal with him? Help! Trust me when I say you’re not the only one calling for help regarding an angry husband who loses his temper over little things. I get asked this quite often. But, what can you do about it? What does it mean when his rage makes things worse in your marriage?
There are many factors that can affect your husband’s mood and emotions. When the slightest change in something causes him to see red, it might be due to his childhood trauma, past events, or unusual circumstances. More often than not his wild anger has more to do with him than it has to do with you or your marriage. I’ll help you see things from an objective perspective so that you understand why your husband always seems upset with you. Then I’ll show you the ways to deal with his temper tantrums.
Bear with me and keep reading while I guide you through the reasons that might be behind your struggles and what can you do about them.
What does it mean when your husband is always mad at you?
Do you feel like walking on eggshells around your husband lately? Whatever you do, it just seems like adding fuel to the fire. When his intense anger makes it impossible not to think that it’s all your fault, let me assure you that it isn’t. Then what does it mean when your husband gets angry all the time without any apparent reason?
Let’s delve into the probable causes of your husband’s bitter anger to figure out what it means.
His Stress Levels are Too High
Is he the only breadwinner at the moment? Did you recently have a baby? Is there a reason that has put him in financial distress? Whatever the reason is, lashing out might be a byproduct of high-stress levels. You might wonder why he’s acting out while you’re dealing with the same level of stress if not more.
Because not everyone experiences stress the same way. If your husband is a person with high neuroticism, he is likely to be more reactive to any stressors and experiences rather than processing them in a healthy way to cope with them.
Lack of Communication
Anyone who talks about relationships or marriage advice is probably sick of saying communication is critical, but it’s a cliche for a reason. If you can nail this, everything else in your marriage is going to get a lot easier. I have a more complete guide on communication exercises for couples or, if your communication is normally fine and you’re just a little out of sync, try some conversation starters for married couples.
For a healthy married life, it’s crucial for partners to be able to honestly communicate with their spouses. If your husband is used to keeping his feelings bottled up instead of talking to you about it, his unmet expectations can cause him to feel angry toward you. If he feels ignored for some reason or if you’ve been really occupied with work or your child, he might feel resentful and left out. In an ideal situation, he could open up and you two could work things out. If there’s a lack of communication on his part, he manifests his frustration as temper tantrums.
He’s Had a Rough Childhood.
How was your husband’s childhood? Did he grow up with supportive parents or wrathful ones seething with anger every time he made a mistake? Growing up with unreasonable and judgmental parents tends to have a long-lasting effect on every relationship a person forms in his life later on.
Maybe the only time he felt heard was when he yelled. If his parents had anger issues and didn’t practice expressing it in a healthy way, he might have grown up thinking violent and aggressive blow-ups are normal. If he has low self-esteem due to his troubled childhood, he might feel unworthy of anything good and that might unknowingly make him resentful toward you.
He’s Got Mental Health Issues
If your husband gets angry over insignificant things, chances are he’s dealing with anxiety, depression, or some sort of mental illness. Men are less inclined to open up about their feelings since they’re accustomed to hiding their emotions to manifest masculinity.
If he’s got control issues, he might get angry every time something doesn’t go as planned. The ripple effect of suppressing emotions can be frequent outbursts of anger that will eventually make you feel emotionally detached from him.
He’s Going Through Changes
Was there a recent event that affected him deeply?
- Did he change his job?
- Is he struggling to cope with the new workplace?
- Did he get promoted?
- Was he overlooked for a promotion?
- Lost a family member or friend?
- Was either one of you unfaithful?
- Is he dealing with PTSD?
Taking a hard look at the recent and past events will help you understand your husband’s anger. If he is struggling with something which is making him angry which he can’t resolve, he’ll end up losing his temper over small things that aren’t even related.
Anger can also result from repressed grief or guilt. Losing a family member or getting hurt by a close one that made him angry might have far-reaching effects on him. So, when he finds himself struggling with a predicament that brings up that memory, he reacts in a negative way. It has nothing to do with the current situation but with his unprocessed, suppressed rage.
How do I deal with a short-tempered husband?
You can’t change your partner unless he wants to change himself. What you can and should do is treat him with kindness while creating a secure atmosphere for him to become more cooperative and flexible.
Be an Active Listener
Have an intimate conversation with him to find out where his rage is stemming from. Be empathetic and listen to him when he tells you why he has been getting angry as much. Don’t pay attention to anything else and make eye contact with him. Hold his hands. Don’t be judgmental.
Openly communicate and share your expectations from him. Express calmly how his actions are taking a toll on your marriage. Be patient with him even when things get heated. Encourage him to talk about his feelings. Make him feel heard and validated.
Say No to Nagging
Daily nitpicking and nagging can feel really irritating to your husband even when they are well deserved and meant to bring peace back to the relationship. If your husband has been criticized as a kid, he already is scared of not being able to fulfill your expectations. If his wrath is a result of feeling unworthy, your regular nagging will only make things worse.
Rather talk to them about how he can help to make your life a little easier. don’t expect him to read your mind. Be forthcoming in order to get what you want from him and your marriage. Taking our partners for granted gives rise to a lot of problems. If you appreciate him for his help, that’ll urge him to work toward being a better and calm husband.
Don’t Try to Even the Score
It’s really challenging to keep your calm when your husband throws a tantrum out of nowhere. It’s only natural to want to respond with anger. But, since you have more control over your emotions and you’re trying to help, don’t retaliate. Rather show him how to control anger and have a decent conversation to sort everything out.
Work out anger management techniques that work for both of you. Remind him to use them every time he’s on the verge of losing it; do it in a non-condescending way to avoid triggering him. Explain how his actions are standing in the way of an amazing married life that you both could enjoy. Having said that, don’t give in and do whatever he wants just to avoid his rage.
Recognize and Avoid Triggers
Recognizing what sets his anger off is a crucial step to deal with your angry husband. Is it a certain word? Something you do or don’t do? If it’s something that can be dodged, try making that adjustment. It’s a two-way street and your husband should be aware of his triggers too so that he can manage his emotions instead of letting them control his actions.
Avoiding his triggers doesn’t mean you shouldn’t set boundaries and should be his doormat to tolerate disrespect. Have a conversation when he has calmed down and assertively express how his actions have been hurting you. Take responsibility for your actions and encourage him to do the same.
Be His Biggest Fan
Let him feel appreciated for everything he does for you and the kids. Support his goals and aspirations. Be compassionate and patient toward him. Give him time to work on his issues. Don’t expect him to be a whole different person when he wakes up the next morning.
Let him feel safe around you so that he can be open and vulnerable. Pick your battles wisely. But make sure you don’t encourage his behavior in any way to make it a manipulative tendency.
Try Individual and Couples Therapy
Going to therapy doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is on the rocks. Even the strongest relationships can and do hit a snag. Dealing with an angry husband can be very challenging and there’s nothing wrong with seeking help when it’s putting a strain on your marriage.
You might face a hard time convincing him to go to therapy or a good start might be trying my marriage assessment quiz.
Reassure him and help him move past the stigma of mental illness. Promise him that you’d be supportive if he agrees to go through this. Understand that it won’t be easy for him to admit that he’s got these issues and needs help. Don’t ask him any questions about his sessions if and when he goes to therapy. Let him get there at his own pace
It’s understandably hard dealing with an angry partner. But, don’t imagine the worst and blame yourself for their actions. Getting to the bottom of the sources of his temper issues and dealing with them carefully can and will change the dynamic of your married life.