I hate my husband. What should I do? Women tend to ask me this quite often. So what to do when you hate your husband? Is it the end of the road for your marriage or can you bounce back? Well, it depends. But, in most cases, with a little extra effort and love, a marriage can still survive the hate you’re feeling right now.
It’s normal to occasionally get annoyed with people you love for a myriad of reasons. Just getting angry at someone doesn’t mean you hate them. Hate is a much stronger emotion and if you hated your husband you might not be here reading this. I understand that you feel like you hate him for something he has or hasn’t done to hurt you badly and never really made it up to you. Or maybe he has been too busy to look at you and make you feel loved. Your unmet needs and expectations can certainly make you feel that way.
So, what can you do about it? Firstly, we need to understand the root cause. We’re going to cover the more common reasons here but if you want to get specific to your marriage (and how we can get you both back to where you were on the wedding day) make sure you take the marriage assessment quiz.
Why This Happens
In any long-term relationship, people go through rough patches and feel irritated with each other from time to time. If it’s more than that and you constantly find yourself imagining how life would be without him, you need to deep dive into the reasons why this is happening. Let’s start with the most common reasons.
He Takes You for Granted
If your husband never pays attention to you and always stays occupied with something else, it might make you resent him since your emotional needs aren’t being met. Does he appreciate you for the things you do for the family or is he always finding faults in everything you do?
If he takes you for granted and doesn’t put effort into the relationship, the bond you shared before getting married, keeps getting weaker. If he is being lazy around the house leaving the burden on your shoulder, never cleaning up after him, never trying to be there when you need him, you start feeling alone in your marriage.
When your husband doesn’t invest time and energy into the relationship, you start to feel disconnected and angry. If he doesn’t work on these issues to make your pain go away it’s natural for you to feel like you hate him.
I’ll get more into how to deal with resentment in your marriage in a moment, however, if this is the main obstacle in your marriage then take a look at my guide on dealing with a lazy husband.
There Is Little to No Affection
Is your husband too busy these days to show some affection toward you? If he is too tired to have sex every time you try to get intimate and never initiates it, looks like you’re going through a sexual dry spell. Physical and emotional intimacy is the glue that holds the marriage together.
If you don’t feel that intimacy anymore because he never hugs or kisses you unless he wants sex which is never, the affection has gone out the window leaving you hating your husband. Your affection-starved marriage might be the reason why you feel like you can’t stand your spouse.
Bringing affection back into a marriage is easier than expected but it does mean someone has to take the first step. I do have a guide on how to be more affectionate which can help to bring you both closer together again.
He Cheated on You
If your husband has been unfaithful that sure violated your trust. If you’ve decided to rebuild the marriage instead of splitting up, good on you. You’ve prioritized your marriage over the pain he has caused you. But, you also have taken up a responsibility to forgive something as big as infidelity. That doesn’t come easy though.
If your cheating husband hasn’t shown any sign of genuine remorse, if he makes you question his integrity because he doesn’t want to be transparent, it’s hard for you to believe him. If he has a history of cheating more than once it’s even harder to move past that without his constant reassurance and support every step of the way. If he isn’t playing his part in this, you might start hating him.
He Is Abusive
Abuse is a lot more than just physical violence. Even if your husband doesn’t hit you but makes you feel unsafe in any way while he is trying to gain control and power over you, he’s abusive. It can be sexual, verbal, psychological, or financial.
Belittling you on a regular basis while pointing out your shortcomings to make you feel inferior to him, not letting you spend money when you need to, or stopping you from getting the job you want, withholding sex to punish you or forcing himself on you, all of these are examples of how he can be abusive without physically hurting you.
While emotional abuse can’t leave scars like the physical one, it kills you inside. It leaves you feeling worthless, drained, and scared. If you’ve been regularly putting up with these or some other kind of abuse, it’s only natural to feel nothing but hatred towards him.
A Series of Disappointments
Maybe he has made a major decision without consulting with you first or he wasn’t there when you needed him the most. Maybe he didn’t stand up for you when his family disrespected you or he always listens to his mom instead of considering your input.
Whatever it was, his actions might’ve made you feel excluded and hurt. If it was not dealt with straight away and still angers you every time you think of it, that might be why you hate your husband. If you’ve been frequently feeling like you’ve been treated unfairly that surely adds fuel to the fire.
What to Do If You Hate Your Husband?
Figuring out why this happened in your marriage is the easier part. Actually saving your marriage and bringing it back is entirely possible – but it’s going to take some effort.
You don’t just wake up one day and start hating your husband. If his actions have been bothering you for a really long time, built-up anger starts to turn into hatred. It might reach a point where you can’t stand the sight of your spouse let alone save your marriage. Let’s tackle this before that happens.
Uncover the Root Cause
Unmet needs and expectations build resentment and you need to get to the bottom of the hate that’s killing your marriage by the day. Sometimes it’s necessary to look inside our own self to gain clarity. It might not always be his doing that’s causing you the anger and hatred.
How’s your mental health? Are you feeling overwhelmed? Did you recently have a baby? Is it postpartum depression that’s making you feel this way? Do you have low self-esteem? Do you get triggered by something he does?
Does it have to do with any childhood trauma or suppressed guilt? Before you do anything else about this issue, you need to know what is causing the hatred, and doing that means looking within yourself as well.
Try Communicating with Him
I’ve always been an untiring advocate of open communication between couples. I get how uncomfortable you’re feeling to tell him about your disgust towards him. But unless you communicate openly, there’s no way to put an end to this.
So, let him know that you need to have a conversation and it’s important. Find out a suitable time that works for both of you. Tell him everything that has been hurting you. Don’t turn this into a blamestorming session though. Be as calm and empathetic as you can.
Start with a positive vibe and tell him you want to go back to loving him the way you always did but can’t do it without his support. Let him talk about his feelings too. Chances are lately he’s not been your biggest fan as well. If you can honestly communicate and be cooperative, this can be the beginning of a better and happier marriage.
Focus on the positives
Even when it feels like he’s doing everything wrong, I’m sure he still does some good things for you and your family. There are reasons why you fell in love with this guy. Try to focus on the things he does instead of keeping score of the things he forgets to do.
I know it feels impossible right now. But, you need to find one good trait every time you think of a bad one. Is he a really good father? Even though you don’t feel very loved at the moment, think of all the good moments you’ve spent together.
Keep your eyes open and you might see he still does some of the things you like. Focus on that and over time you’ll see a difference in how you feel towards him. Gradually your hatred will start to subside and good feelings will take over.
Forgive Him and Try Loving Him Again
Once you’ve had the conversation with him and decided to move past the ‘I hate my husband’ phase, you need to forgive him for the things you’ve been holding grudges. Rather make a deliberate effort to love him again. Your husband certainly needs to make changes wherever necessary and support you with love and affection.
But, you need to remember that he’s not perfect, neither are you. So accept him for who he is. Start spending more time together. Plan something exciting, go out on dates, and initiate sex more often. Take some time out if necessary. Let absence make the heart grow fonder.
But don’t take too much time or space to drift away from each other. Talk to your girlfriends about how you feel. Confiding in them will make you see that you’re not alone in this. They can share how they’ve dealt with similar situations and give you advice should you need it.
Consider couples Counseling
When you feel like being trapped in this relationship and nothing else seems to work, seeking professional help can be your last resort. If your husband is dead against therapy, you can try out individual sessions where you’ll share all of your anger and hatred without him hearing it.
It’s a safe place and once you figure out why you’ve been feeling this way, your counselor can shed some light on the future of your relationship. If your husband joins you after seeing positive changes in you, that’s even better. The counselor can make sure you both vent in the most productive way to bring love back in the marriage.
Unless he’s abusive, you can slowly move past the hate and go back to normal. But, make sure you don’t tolerate abuse. Give it your best shot but know when to call it quits. All the best.