Are you tired of begging for attention from your husband? Sadly, you’re not alone.
Staring at your husband, you wonder whatever happened to the man whose eyes used to lock with yours even from across a crowded room, warming your heart in the most intimate way. Several years and kids later, he has become almost like a stranger whose eyes no longer meet yours for more than five seconds, whose words have become as scarce as his kisses, and whose attention seems to be drifting farther away leaving you tired of begging for attention from husband every passing day.
What causes this to happen? What has changed? More importantly, what can you do about it?
How Do I Deal With An Unaffectionate Husband?
You need to take the bull by the horns, figuratively speaking. For that, you first need to acknowledge that a problem exists and that it is tearing both of you apart. Living in denial never did help anyone. Neither did sweeping a matter under the rug.
Before things get worse than they already are, I urge you to seek ways to heal whatever ails your union and give it the lifeline it deserves. As your husband’s partner, you have to help him recognize the problem and seek ways to draw him back to you. It takes some introspection on your part as well to see if you have done things unawares that have caused your husband to become cold and distant.
How Can I Get More Attention From My Husband
Give Affection Unconditionally
A good way to win your spouse back to you is by being gracious. His treatment of you could upset and exasperate you and understandably so, but if you could expand your heart and give him the affection you want to receive from him, then do so.
Sometimes this can feel difficult when it feels like you’re doing all the heavy lifting in your marriage. It’s perfectly normal for our own ego to rise up. Why should I be the one to do this? Sometimes in a marriage, this is exactly what it takes. I have a guide on how to be more affectionate to your husband and it really is small, minor things which make all the difference.
Perhaps what he simply needs is a dose of your warmth to melt his coldness.
It is important to understand the root cause of your husband’s neglect. You can make him open up or at least listen to you by giving him some kind of ultimatum. Not the threatening or antagonistic kind but the kind that makes your spouse realize that you are done being neglected. That you value your marriage enough to stop it from going in the direction it’s headed, due to him not giving you enough attention or affection.
Speak to him in a way that communicates how much you fear losing him and seeing your relationship fail. If your ‘talk’ comes from a place of valuing your marriage and not just your ego as a wife, he might see that and thus agree to talk about the issue.
Writing a letter to your spouse is a great way of getting the ball rolling on this.
Fix your Faults
Listen and make adjustments if necessary. He avoids you because according to him you are almost always nagging at him? Or is it because he is always tired from work and you’re busy with the kids anyway?
Most men do not confront their wives about their marital issues. They usually or let’s say conveniently avoid and shut the issue out, and out of the window go the affection and the attention. While you don’t have to tolerate it, a little self-assessment never did harm anyone and it is especially vital in a marriage.
There are many ways of tackling this. A great starting point is to take the marriage assessment test which can be done either by yourself or with your husband.
That said, at the end of the day, It is not really about whose fault it is but about what needs to be done by both of you to make things right. Know what’s wrong, be brave enough to accept it, and humble enough to address it, together.
Reconnect and Rekindle
Flame and warmth don’t happen without contact. Contact doesn’t happen when a partner isn’t even paying attention. Make a conscious effort to recall the things that your husband loved about you early on in your marriage, long before you lost that connection. What about you excited him? What made your spouse laugh with you?
Sometimes, in the busyness of our days as a spouse and a parent, we forget the little things that matter much. Try to go back to the basics of your relationship and bring your husband back to those days when you couldn’t get enough of each other because your love was central to your lives.
Talk about a memory, recall a funny experience you shared, give him a compliment. If his response is still lukewarm, don’t snap. Make him aware that you noticed his lack of interest, but don’t start an argument as this could only make things worse.
Rebuild Your Self-esteem
Do this for yourself first, and then your husband’s interest will naturally follow. Instead of banging on your husband’s door to beg for his attention or affection and yearning for it to no avail, focus your energy on rebuilding your self-esteem that has been running low because of his neglect for you.
Make your husband see, realize, and value your worth as a person first and foremost. Excel in your work, strengthen your bond with your kids, look good, feel good, learn a new skill, engage in worthwhile activities, enhance your general well-being. This could include working out, wearing some makeup, applying your favorite perfume, and catching up with friends. All a process of liberating yourself from established routine and breaking the monotony and drudgery that’s crept into your life
When you do this, you will gain the respect and admiration of people around you and the man who was hitherto uninclined to look will soon start throwing glances your way.
Shine so brightly and beautifully that your husband can’t help but notice you, be drawn to you, and can’t help falling in love with you again.
Your husband’s lack of attention or affection doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t love you anymore. And so it is important to look at the whole picture. No marriage is perfect, but an ailing marriage certainly needs treatment before it worsens. And the treatment is usually holistic.
There is no magic pill for it. It will take energy, time, and emotions, maybe even a lot of it, but the possibility of saving your relationship makes it all worth it.
When Attention and Affection Go Adrift
You wonder what’s causing your husband to be cold and inattentive, when early in your relationship you would even tease the very same man for being clingy. When you never had to seek his attention or affection because you always had them, in full.
There might be a number of possible reasons for this issue with your spouse ranging from being tired at work to marital differences, to (God forbid) a third party. Your mind struggles to find answers while your heart starts to break and bleed. Worse, you cry out for his help, almost begging, yet your spouse barely gives you the time of day.
When wives find themselves in this scenario, in comes feelings of unbelief, confusion, and frustration, often a tidal wave of emotions.
How to Feel, How to Deal
Dealing with attention deficit issues in a spouse varies among women. Some choose to confront their husbands head-on and talk it out, while others choose to suffer in silence, making justifications in their head and hoping that the issue will resolve on its own, in time. Well, time is known to heal and resolve but not just everything.
It takes those directly involved – you and your spouse, to willingly regenerate your unhealthy relationship in ways you are both willing and able to do.
Not giving attention to your husband’s lack of attention is like watching someone drown. You see your marriage drifting away and sinking until it becomes too far gone to stay afloat or be rescued. Choosing not to deal with your issues is choosing to deal with the consequences. So you have to tackle it one way or another.
Depending on your marriage’s history and context, you have to make a way to get it back to where it should be. A place where two people actually share a life together and not merely co-exist. Where giving attention and expressing affection is not strained but flows freely back and forth between each partner.
No Strength In Being Strangers
While rough patches happen in every marriage, a shortage of attention and flickering affection should not be tolerated as the norm between you and your spouse. Even if your partner isn’t exactly the affectionate kind, no one wants to share life with a spouse who treats you a little more than a stranger.
Marriage is more than just making a living, raising kids, and sharing a home. It is the most important human relationship you could have. You and your spouse are supposed to complement each other. As husband and wife, you must nurture your relationship as a team. No one should simply take the backseat and be happy with just crumbs of attention from his/her partner as this could cause the relationship to weaken and eventually break apart.
As a married couple, your relationship’s strength lies in your being one. It doesn’t mean having no differences, but it means valuing your relationship enough to believe that your partner deserves attention when times are good, and even more so when times are bad.
The Lonely Most Often Leave
Begging to be noticed or engaged with is an awful feeling for any spouse to experience. Flawed as you may be as a wife, you deserve a marriage where you and your spouse interact as partners by talking, listening, supporting, engaging, or by simply being there, your presence felt by each other. Not out of obligation, but out of love and respect. As they say, the saddest feeling in a relationship is being with someone who makes you feel alone.
Problems of neglect in any relationship should be nipped in the bud before it becomes complicated and irreparable. Nothing makes a wife feel more neglected and frustrated than having to beg for attention from her husband. And when a wife constantly feels this way, worse problems could develop, like seeking attention outside of marriage, escalating arguments or silent treatments, and yes, divorce.
Intimacy is what makes marriages tick and when that becomes little to non-existent, the possibility of divorce enters the picture. And when there are kids involved, it becomes not only heartbreaking but a totally shattering experience for the family.