I have seen it all in marriages. Everything from amicable separations to messy divorces. In all my time, I have never seen wives as nervous as when they know that another woman interested in their husband. If you are in this position, there are certain things you must be wary of, and certain actions that you need to take to stop another woman pursuing your husband.
Another woman pursuing your husband does not necessarily have to be a problem. You first need to determine whether you trust your husband. Then, you need to find out whether or not he himself is interested in her. Lastly, you must determine the appropriate response for both your husband and the other woman.
Let’s deal with each of these problems in a step by step manner. First, we will discuss what actions you should take when it comes to your husband, and then we will delve into dealing with the other woman.
Is This a Problem?
Help! There’s another woman pursuing my husband!
My first response here is almost always to take a step back and figure out if this is something you really need to worry about.
You are a better judge of the state of your marriage than anybody else. Remember that it is perfectly normal for another woman to be interested in your husband. She is probably interested in him for the same reasons that you are. However, it is not normal for her to entice him into an affair.
If your marriage is in a good state, solving this problem will not be that difficult. However, if your marriage is going through a rough patch, you must be careful so as to make sure that your husband does not end up having an affair.
Note: I’m going to have to talk in fairly general terms here as I don’t know you or your husband. If you haven’t already, make sure you’ve taken the marriage assessment quiz so we can focus specifically on your marriage and get things back on track quickly.
What if I Trust my Husband?
If you trust your husband to make the right decisions, then you should not do anything substantial. Simply keep working on your relationship with him the way you have been.
However, it is important to keep an eye from afar. Your spouse may love you, but all humans are capable of mistakes. It is possible that he loses his self-control at some point and gives in to the other woman.
You must also understand the nature of his relationship with the other woman. For example, if she is a coworker of his, then they obviously get to spend time with one another throughout the week. There are many signs that indicate if your husband is cheating with a coworker, and you should keep an eye out for them. The more time that they spend together, the greater the chance of them starting a romantic relationship.
How do You Know if Your Husband is Interested in Another Woman?
For this, a little snooping may be required. While this is not ideal (since this is an invasion of your husband’s privacy), taking a look at his text messages could give you a clue. Here are the general signs that your husband may be interested in someone else.
- He talks about the other woman a lot, even when you are having intimate discussions.
- They text regularly (make note of his facial expressions when texting, they reveal a lot).
- He constantly tries to find faults in you and your marriage, although he didn’t use to before.
- He finds reasons to spend time with her (e.g. if she is a coworker, he will start ‘working harder’).
- He puts an extra effort into his appearance whenever he is going to a place where she will be present.
Remember that this does not mean that he will cave in to those interests and have an affair. We are all human, and being attracted to other people is not uncommon in marriage (especially if you have been married a long time).
Many of these signs are also common among husbands committing adultery. It is up to you to find out whether he has already caved into his desires if he is showing these signs.
There is one common trait among men who cheat. They feel guilty from time to time. As such, you may experience a lot of mood swings from your husband if he has already cheated on you. One moment he may be the most loving husband in the world. But a few minutes later he will be back to pointing out your flaws. This does not confirm his infidelity but should help you make your decision.
How to Get Your Husband’s Attention
There is a chance that your husband does not even know another woman is pursuing him. Men and women behave differently, and it is much easier for a woman to see if another woman is interested in someone (and vice versa).
You may think that his ignorance is good, but it can sometimes be even worse. If your husband has no idea what her intentions are, it may be much easier for her to manipulate him into an affair.
If you do think that your husband has no clue of the other woman’s intentions, you must inform him immediately. He will find out either way, and it is much better that he learns of her intentions from you.
Here are a few tips on how to deal with your husband when another woman is interested in him.
Be Firm in Your Expectations
It is quintessential that you tell him of the consequences of his actions if he decides to have an affair. Remind him that his marriage is on the line. However, do it in a soft manner. If he hasn’t done anything wrong yet, there is no reason for you to treat him harshly.
Also, have an open discussion about how he should react if she makes a move. In most cases, husbands at this stage reassure their wives that their marriage is the first priority (and this is the truth).
If you are uncomfortable with him spending a lot of time with her, tell him that. Unless their contact is unavoidable (e.g. working on the same team at the office), he should understand this and comply with your request.
I have a comprehensive guide for what to do when your husband is talking to another woman. Going through that will also help you here.
Be a Loving Wife
Many wives become passive-aggressive or simply plain aggressive when they find out another woman is interested in their husband. Even if their husband did nothing wrong, they demand that he stop all contact with her (which may not even be possible).
This is the worst thing that you can do for your marriage. Your husband needs you now more than ever. Instead of giving him more reasons to have an affair, give him reasons not to. If you are being everything that he wants his woman to be, there is no reason for him to cave into the whims of someone else.
It is also not to be overly suspicious of him. If you constantly pester him about his whereabouts, he will simply get annoyed. Repeatedly asking him about whether or not the other woman has contacted him is a no-go as well. A good husband will never indulge himself in an affair simply because his wife is annoying him, but it will harm your marriage in the long run.
It is important for you to show him that you trust him. As long as you are doing your duties as a wife and he is doing his duties as a husband, chances are he isn’t involved with anyone else.
How to Deal With a ‘Spouse Poacher’
Dealing with is much simpler than dealing with your husband. Until or unless she crosses a line, there is no reason to engage with her.
She already knows that your husband is married, and there is no reason to remind her. There is a chance that even if she does fancy your husband, she will control her urges and not do anything out of respect for the two of you.
If she does cross the line (e.g. she tries to initiate sex with your husband, or invite him on a date) and you find out, then it may be time to talk to her.
I always advise couples to be honest with one another. As such, there is no reason to hide the fact that you talked to her from your husband. However, for obvious reasons, your husband should not be present when you talk to her.
A caveat to all that is when the spouse poacher is your friend. In that case, it might be best to talk to her early. Make sure that she understands where you are coming from, and that your husband is off-limits.
What to Say to The Other Woman
Provided that she has crossed a line, you should not hold back. You must remind her that he is married to you, and she has no place in his life. If you have proof of her transgressions, it is best to give them to her once she tries to be defensive (as most women in this position do).
If she is married, you should remind her that it is not only your own marriage that is on the line. Depending on how extreme her actions were, you should not hesitate to threaten to tell her husband (and carry out the threat).
I spend most of my time urging people to avoid confrontation and solve their problems in an amicable manner. In this case, confrontation might be exactly what you need.
The general idea is to let her know that you will not give your husband up that easily. As long as she understands that it is for everyone’s best interests that she backs off, you have done all that you could have.