I have always said that as long as both the husband and the wife are willing to put in the effort, any marriage can be saved. However, one of the most difficult aspects of my job is trying to help someone save their marriage when their spouse wants it to end. If your spouse’s behavior constantly makes you think ‘My husband hates me!’, here’s how to save your marriage.
The chances of your husband actually hating you are fairly low. In reality, he is most likely upset with you for some reason. This reason causes him to act the way he does. If you can figure out what that reason is, you may be able to convince him to stop the toxic behavior and return your marriage to a happy state.
Make sure you take the marriage assessment quiz so we can figure out the root cause of the problem and get you both back on track.
How Do I Tell If My Husband Hates Me?
In some cases, your husband may only be angry with you for a short while. You may begin to think that he hates you, but his anger will subside and he will begin to treat you better. Finding out what’s making him angry and dealing with it may help quicken this process.
If you feel like your husband hates you, his behavior will be consistent and toxic. Not only will he say things that will make you feel terrible, but he will also refuse to act as if he cares.
Here are a few other signs your husband hates you:
- He finds faults in everything you say (and in you).
- He is always willing to get angry, often without reason. On top of this, he almost exclusively takes his anger out on you.
- He does everything in his power to avoid spending time with you.
- He is unable to show affection. Even if he does have sex with you, there is no ‘lovemaking’ involved, it’s just mindless physical stimulation.
- He makes fun of you publicly and does not defend you against anyone. Even when you are alone, he refuses to take your side in any argument.
Why Does My Husband Hate Me?
In most cases, people marry someone because they love them. Love is the exact opposite of hate, and it takes a lot for someone to hate their spouse (that they once loved).
There could be many reasons why your husband hates you. In my experience, there are two that seem to be way more common than any of the others.
Your Husband Has Fallen for Someone Else
If you feel like your husband hates you, then this is the most common reason for it. If he has fallen for someone else, he will constantly think of her and compare you to her. Obviously, he will not mention her in front of you, but it will be implied instead. If your husband constantly makes you feel like you are not good enough, then there is a decent chance that he is in love with someone else.
Your husband might already be having an affair, or he may simply be fantasizing about her. One thing to remember is that it is almost certain that your husband has daily contact with this woman. This is because while he may find someone else to be more beautiful than you, he will only ever think of replacing you when he has gotten to know the other woman.
Your next step should be to determine whether he is cheating on you or not. Once you have enough information about the nature of his relationship with her, you will be able to tell whether he really loves her or not.
If you are unable to find another woman in your husband’s life despite digging deeply, there could be another explanation for his behavior.
Your Husband No Longer Loves You
People constantly change and evolve throughout their lives. In many cases, a couple that was compatible before is unable to live together due to the fact that both of them are different people now.
Thankfully, most couples tend to stay and grow together. It is possible that your husband feels no affection for you anymore because he thinks he has outgrown you. If your husband says things like ‘I plan to…’ and ‘I will…’, it means that he is no longer imagining a future with you.
It is still possible to save your marriage. You just need to make your husband realize that he still needs you as much as when you first got married. I have seen that this specific problem is most common around the seventh year of marriage as that is when a marriage goes through some of its toughest times.
What to Do If Your Husband Hates You?
Although this article generally deals with how you can save your marriage, you should first decide if you want to. If your husband has been toxic for a long time and treated you in an abusive manner, you may not want to save your marriage in the first place.
Think long and hard about how your life would be if you opted for a divorce. I almost always advise wives to at least try to save their marriage. However, no one knows your husband better than you. If you feel like he will not be able to change his ways, it may be best for the two of you to part ways.
If your intent is to save your marriage, then here are a few things you can try:
Try Talking to Him
Having an open and honest conversation with him about your marriage will be difficult if he resents you. However, you should at least give it a try. Let him know how his treatment of you has made you feel. Also, feel free to tell him of his shortcomings.
It is best that you try to avoid a fight. If he already hates you, you should not give him additional reasons for it. Ask him how you can be a better wife. If what he says makes sense, you should follow what he says. If he keeps on making unreasonable demands, then you might need to think of another way to save your marriage.
If he shows signs that he wants to save the marriage, then you should try to convince him to go to couples therapy. The fact that your husband has not divorced you means that he knows there is a chance of making this marriage work. Although men are generally averse to discussing their feelings (especially in front of a stranger such as a marriage counselor), it is possible to convince him by letting him know how you think it would make your marriage better.
Focus on the Little Things
Even the smallest change in your behavior can go a long way towards making your spouse resent you less. For example, you could ask questions that encourage the two of you to talk about your day.
Apart from this, you should try to spend as much time with your husband as possible. Of course, he needs his own private time (as do you), but there are ways to spend more time with each other without being overly clingy.
If your husband hates you, there is a good chance that he does not sleep in the same bed as you. If this is the case, then this should be the first problem that you tackle. Sleeping in the same bed can help the two of you heal by talking about your problems before you sleep. It can even help kickstart your sex life once again.
Remember that just because you are focusing on your marriage does not mean you should stop focusing on yourself. In fact, improving your appearance could go a long way towards your husband treating you better. This is especially true if you have stopped taking care of yourself in recent times.
Exercising regularly, dressing better, and doing other things to make your day more productive will not only improve your mood but also make up for the sadness that your husband’s behavior causes you.
When it comes to your appearance, putting in a little more effort even if you are staying at home could make your husband appreciate you a little bit more. Even if it only causes your sex life to improve, having better sex could be the gateway towards having a more fulfilling marriage.
If Nothing Works, Try the Reverse Approach
After you have tried for a while and not seen any change in your husband’s behavior, you should try to show your husband how his life would be without you.
A simple thing you could do is to stop doing things that you would usually do. For example, if you are the one who does most of the housework, stopping it for a couple of days to make a point could be a good idea.
The point here is to make him see how different his life would be without you. A step that is a bit more extreme would be to leave for a week and stay with your friends/parents. He may come to realize just how important a part you play in his life. As such, you may find him to be a completely different person when you return.
However, make sure you have exhausted all other options before you try this one. It is also possible that he absolutely loves his time without you, and is more convinced than ever that you are not right for him when you return.