There are certain things that we consider an integral part of the marriage. Whenever you imagine a married couple, or you see them in a film, they tend to sleep together. Only when things start to go wrong is someone forced to sleep on the couch. If you and your husband have stopped sleeping together, you may wonder if this is the end of your marriage.
In certain cases, not sleeping with your husband is all right. This is when scheduling conflicts or other responsibilities that you two have would cause you to disturb each other during the night. However, barring this, not sleeping together is one of the most obvious signs that your marriage is falling apart. If this happens, you should take steps to fix it immediately.
There is no need to worry yet, as there are things that you can do. First, let’s take a look at when not sleeping in the same bed with your partner becomes a problem.
If you already have a reason to suspect there’s a deeper issue at play, make sure you take the marriage assessment quiz so we can focus on the real issue and get your marriage back on track quickly.
Is it Bad For Married Couples to Sleep in Separate Beds?
If your husband is sleeping in a different room, you must get to the bottom of why he wants to do this.
Is it Reasonable For You to Sleep in The Same Bed?
Before you get worried that there is something wrong with your marriage, you must first decide if it makes sense for the two of you to sleep in the same bed. Here are a few examples of when you may not want to sleep in the same room as your husband:
- One of you has a night/evening shift and may disrupt the other’s sleep.
- One of you has a medical condition that may disturb the other spouse (e.g. snoring). In this case, you should seek help for your condition as soon as possible.
- One of you gets up much earlier than the other and goes through a morning routine that will make it difficult for the other to sleep.
You do not need to be worried about not sleeping in the same bed with your partner if the two of you made this decision consciously and discussed it with each other. Marriages such as this will also be healthy in general. For example, while you may not be sleeping together, you will still have sex with each other on a regular basis.
If not sleeping together is a problem for your relationship, it will show itself in other aspects of your marriage as well.
When Does Not Sleeping Together Become a Problem
When you are also experiencing problems in other aspects of your marriage, then not sleeping together starts to become a problem. Physical intimacy and emotional intimacy go hand in hand.
If both you and your husband are extremely busy throughout the day, then the few minutes before the two of you fall asleep may be the only time the two of you get to be intimate. This is when the two of you would discuss your innermost thoughts. Not being able to do that will spill over to your daily life, leading to further problems.
Why Does my Husband Not Want to Sleep With me?
Let’s take a look at why your husband may not want to sleep with you. Try to imagine yourself in your husband’s shoes and see if any of these reasons apply to you.
Problems in Marriage Lead to Him Avoiding you
If there are no external factors preventing you from sleeping together, then you should start thinking about whether the problem is with your marriage itself.
If your marriage was generally experiencing problems when the two of you started to sleep on separate beds, then this may be a sign of your husband not being attracted to you anymore.
Beauty is more important to men, but this does not mean that beauty is all that matters to them. If the two of you are unable to get along, then he may not feel like sleeping with you. This is probably because most married couples have sex before they go to bed (let’s face it, you are probably not young enough to have sex multiple times a day anymore).
Your husband may avoid sleeping with you because he feels that it would lead to sex, and he may not want to have sex with you currently. You can change this, of course, and this is something that we explore in the next section.
He Could be Cheating on You
It is possible that your husband is cheating on you. If he is having sex with someone else, he may feel guilty about it. He may not feel that he deserves to sleep with you, and thus try to distance himself in any way possible.
The reverse is also possible. It could be that he is not only sleeping with the other woman, but he feels more attached to her than he does to you. To him, she is not the other woman. Rather, it’s you! Sleeping with you may lead to sex, and he would rather sleep with his mistress than with you in his mind!
In this case, he is having an emotional affair. The other woman means a lot more to him than you realize. It is up to you to decide whether you will be able to forgive your husband for it. If you will, then you need to make him break things off with her immediately. Whether you decide to confront the other woman or talk to your husband instead, you must take action immediately.
Your Husband is Having Problems With His Libido
You must consider that the reason your husband does not want to share a bed with you could be due to no fault of your own. It is possible that for one reason or the other, he no longer feels like having sex with anyone.
There are a few reasons why your husband may not feel like having sex (apart from the one discussed above). Some of the most common ones are:
- Low sex drive as a result of depression.
- Insecure about being able to satisfy you sexually (especially if he is getting past his mid-life and isn’t as fit as he once was).
- A general decrease in sex drive due to age.
- Porn addiction/excessive masturbation/engaging in prostitution.
- Developing erectile dysfunction (the chances of which increase past the age of 50, but it can also occur earlier).
Unfortunately, it is not easy to tell if your husband is experiencing any of these problems. The only thing you can do is ask him.
What do You do When Your Partner Won’t Sleep With You?
When your partner refuses to share your bed, you should immediately get to the bottom of it. Here are the three things you should do to get your husband back where he belongs.
Fix All The Issues With Your Marriage First
Before you can get your husband back in your bed, you have to give him an incentive to. Of course, if your marriage is in a terrible state, then both of you share the blame. It’s time to let go of your pride and be the first one to seek help.
Unless you are 100% sure of where the fault lies, I would recommend you seek out a marriage counselor. Being able to discuss your issues openly with someone to guide you and recommend ways to understand each other better is always helpful.
Make sure that both you and your husband provide each other adequate emotional support. As previously discussed, men are much more likely to want to sleep with women that they can be vulnerable around.
Make Sure Your Appearance is at Its Best!
Your appearance may not be the main factor that affects your husband’s need for sex, but it definitely helps. Looking absolutely perfect as he comes home could help entice him to have sex with you.
A nice trick I recommend doing is to make sure you look your best as night approaches. I know you would rather dress up comfortably during the evening (unless you are planning to go out). However, if your objective is to get your husband back into your bed, then you should give him as many reasons as you can!
Confirm That he is Not Cheating
Next, you must make sure that he is not getting his ‘fix’ elsewhere. We have numerous guides on how you can spot if your spouse is cheating. Just make sure that you are completely sure of his infidelity before you decide to confront him. As I said, there are numerous reasons why he may not want to sleep with you, and cheating is just one of them.
If he is cheating, then you must determine the nature of his affair. Is it just a fling for him, or is he in love with that woman? Remember that even if you think he is in love with the other woman, you can still win him back. After all, he fell in love with you first, and he can do so again! The best way to make him fall in love with you again is to do the same things that you did to make him fall in love the first time.
Ask Your Husband What’s Wrong
If you have gone through everything discussed above, it is best to plainly ask your husband what’s wrong. Ask him if he is having any physical issues relating to sex that make him prefer sleeping in a separate bed. Also, ask him if there is anything you can do to convince him to sleep with you.
During this talk, you should also let him know what you wish. Tell him that you want to sleep with him and that you would prefer it if he would be there every night as you went to bed. Make him realize that you miss him and that you need him, as it will make it difficult for him not to sleep with you when he knows how much you want to.