My husband can’t get hard for me, is he cheating? Before jumping to the worst conclusion, let me tell you that there can be a number of plausible explanations for your husband’s erectile dysfunction other than cheating. But, if none of them are contributing to his sexual problem, he might be having an affair.
When guys don’t want sex or starts showing symptoms of erectile dysfunction, it’s natural to assume that he doesn’t find his wife attractive anymore or he is having an affair. But, it’s not as black and white as that. There are more gray areas than people think. To meet the problem head-on, it’s imperative to look into all the possibilities before going down the slippery slope of questioning your husband’s loyalty.
I’ll help you look into the most common causes as to why he can’t get it up and then help you decide whether it’s due to having an affair or not.
If you have another reason to suspect infidelity then make sure you’ve taken the marriage assessment quiz. The quicker we address the root of the issue, the quicker we can get you both back on track.
There Could Be Another Cause
Just because your husband can’t get it hard for you doesn’t mean he’s having an affair. While you shouldn’t throw the possibility out the window, let’s explore if there’s another cause behind it.
There’s Underlying Health Conditions
Your partner might not be as healthy as you’d think. He might be dealing with undiagnosed health conditions that have decreased his libido. Maybe his sex drive isn’t the same anymore. Even if he is not that old, erectile dysfunction is common in young men as well. It can also be a sign of a serious health problem.
He doesn’t want to seem vulnerable in front of the love of his life. Maybe that’s why he wants to hide these issues from you. If he has high blood pressure, diabetes, or hormonal disorder it’s normal for him to not feel the same sexual desire he did before.
He’s Not in The Mood
This can happen to anyone. If your husband is dealing with depression, anxiety, or some other mental illness, sex is the last thing on his mind. It doesn’t have anything to do with your appearance or his cheating. Maybe he’s having problems at work, putting in extra hours for a promotion, or lost his job.
Men feel tremendous pressure to be the family breadwinner. Too much stress might be the culprit behind his problem. The quality of your relationship plays an important role in this too. If you two have not been on good terms lately or have been constantly bickering, that can affect his sex drive and performance.
Men need to feel emotionally intimate for physical affection just as much as women do. If you’ve been nagging him on a regular basis while criticizing everything he does, it’s hard for him to feel the sexual desire towards you. You can’t expect him to man up in one certain area while his manhood has been constantly questioned in all the other ones.
I’ve covered what to do when your husband doesn’t want you sexually in more detail before. If it’s just once in a while, it happens. If this is a frequent problem you’ll need to address it.
He Has an Addiction: Pornography
If your husband is addicted to porn, he might not feel attracted to you or want to have sex with you at all. Porn creates an illusion of perfect women and sex in his mind. He finds the women in porn more beautiful and sexy because of their flawless makeup, special effect, and lighting.
The results of the research on porn addiction are still inconclusive yet evidence suggests that it could shrink a part of the brain which is linked to satisfaction. It means that a person who is addicted to porn will need more visual assistance to get aroused. When your husband is addicted to porn he prefers masturbating to having sex with you.
Doing that triggers his brain receptors in a much different way than it does during real sexual activities. So, without the visual stimuli, he can’t get it up doesn’t matter how sexy you try to look for him.
Now you know about the factors that can cause the problem. But, are they killing his erection in this case, or is he cheating? To find your answer you gotta talk to him.
If you’ve married for a long time and he’s never been unfaithful to you, it’s heartbreaking and almost impossible to believe that he is capable of doing something like that. Chances are he’s not. You would never know if you don’t ask. So go ahead and have an uncomfortable yet unavoidable conversation with him.
Before blaming him for cheating on you, express how you feel about not being able to make him get hard around you. Tell him how frustrated and affection-starved you’ve been feeling for such a long time. Let him know that you’ll be supportive of whatever issues are causing this dysfunction and ask him if he wants you to fix an appointment with a doctor or sex therapist.
He might totally shut you down saying it’s nothing and you’re being paranoid. It hurts his male ego to admit that he is going through something that’s affecting his sex drive. It might make him feel less masculine. Give him some time and space to come around.
If it’s the other reasons, he’ll admit what’s keeping him from being sexual with you. You two can take it from there. Most problems can be solved once you seek help from a sex therapist or when his underlying medical issues have been treated.
Be prepared that he might admit to having an affair. But, if he tries to completely blow you off and acts suspiciously, while still unable to keep the erection to get sexual, look for the obvious signs to be sure if he is cheating on you. Is he being really secretive?
Does he never let you touch his phone? Does he lie about his whereabouts a lot? Is your gut telling you he’s not into you anymore? Blend all these together and you’ll know what’s causing the erection to die.
He Might Not Find You Attractive
Ouch! That hurts but it’s better to know the harsh truth than being in denial. Even though you exchanged vows and promised to love each other in sickness and in health till death parts you, attraction fades away in marriages for many reasons.
If someone doesn’t look the way they did when they got into the relationship because they gained weight or doesn’t take care of themselves and their appearance, their partners might not find them attractive anymore. It can also happen when partners grow apart, they don’t make each other a priority, and they don’t feel safe around each other for some reason.
So, don’t automatically assume, it has to do with your appearance. You must still look like a million bucks to the guys out there. But, your husband, unfortunately, might not be one of them. If you see him staring at other women all the time and flirting with them spontaneously while he can’t get it hard for you, it’s because he is not into you.
See also: signs my husband is not attracted to me.
Erectile Dysfunction After Cheating
I’m sorry if you’ve found out your husband is cheating on you and that’s resulting in this sexless relationship of yours. Let’s see why his erection might have left your marriage after cheating.
It Gets Hard for Someone Else
If your husband is getting his rocks off somewhere else, your sex life will certainly take the hit. Every time you try to get close, he pulls away. He’s too tired to get it hard for you even when you try spicing it up in every way possible. Because his sexual needs have been already met by someone else.
It sure doesn’t mean he stopped loving you. Probably he’s going through a mid-life crisis and looking for some extra thrill. Don’t blame yourself for this. Maybe you’re really good in bed but it felt like a monotonous pattern to him and he wanted to break the routine.
He’s into The Other Woman
If his affair is more than just sex and he has grown feelings for the other woman, he might not get an erection around you anymore. Maybe it started off as casual sex that turned into a serious relationship. Now, he is into that enigmatic woman he needs to figure out.
He’s attracted to her like a moth to a flame. You’re his beautiful wife and mother to his children. But, that doesn’t get him up anymore because your seductive spell has worn off while his mistress is filled with mysteries and wonders.
Whenever you try to kiss him, he seems to feel awkward and doesn’t matter how good you look or how good of a wife you are, he still has these issues in the bedroom and his erection is gone. He’s got his eyes on the other woman. It doesn’t mean you lack anything. The only problem with you is you’re not her.
He Feels Guilty Around You
Every time you try to get intimate, he feels guilty for leading you on without telling you about his infidelity. Even when he tries to show affection toward you, it doesn’t flow naturally. Even if you can make it hard for a minute, the erection goes away before you know it.
His suppressed guilt makes him feel stressed which meddles with his brain. It can’t send signals to his penis to create extra blood flow which then leads to dysfunction. He tries to keep his mask on because he doesn’t want to hurt you or the children by wrecking your marriage.
Maybe he’s trying to cut ties with the other woman. Maybe it was just a one-night stand. He still can’t get out of the guilt. He knows he’s married to this amazing woman who might leave him if the truth comes out. All this anxiety makes it impossible for him to perform sexually.
Does this mean your marriage is over? Not really. Don’t make any rash decisions. Relationships can survive infidelity and it’s possible to heal from the pain that comes with broken trust. But, you can cross that bridge when you come to it.