Feelings of hopelessness are quite common when your marriage is teetering off the edge. It’s even worse when you want to save your marriage but your spouse does not seem to care. In certain situations, a letter can be a much better way to express your feelings and save your marriage as opposed to the spoken word.
A letter is a great tool for communicating how important your marriage is to you. It could help your spouse realize what they stand to lose if their marriage ends. Marriages are complicated, and it may be difficult for you to say the right things. However, a letter can give you the time needed to properly think about what you want to say. It can be a lot more effective than alternative means.
Let’s take a look at what point should you write a letter. After that, we will go over the contents of your letter.
Why is a Letter Better Than Talking?
Before writing your letter, make sure you take the marriage assessment quiz. It’ll help you get things back on track as quickly as possible.
A letter may not always be preferable to talking to your spouse. It does have certain advantages, but there are situations where you may simply want to express your feelings face to face. Here are a few reasons why you should consider a letter:
- A letter can give you more time to think about everything. It will allow you to better explain your thoughts than a talk.
- You will get the chance to say everything you want without the fear of being interrupted.
- Since your spouse will probably not read it in front of you, the two of you will not be able to argue (if that is something that you have been frequently doing lately).
- Your spouse will have time to think everything through and properly understand what you mean before replying.
- If you are the person who did something wrong, then your spouse may not want to listen to you. A letter will be an unobtrusive way to communicate with them.
When is a Letter Not a Good Idea?
For some people, a letter may not be ideal. Here are a few reasons why you may not want to write a letter:
- A lot of our communication is through body language. A letter does not allow you to display emotion as well as you may be able to when sitting face to face.
- If your spouse and you have communicated well throughout your marriage, a lengthy talk may be more effective.
- You have a lot of questions to ask, and you would like an immediate answer to them.
If you cannot decide if you should write a letter, you should opt for the middle-ground. Write down all of the things that you want to discuss with your spouse and then talk to them. The paper will allow you to organize your thoughts, but you will also be able to communicate efficiently with your spouse at the same time.
When Should You Write a Letter?
The ideal time to write a letter is when you feel that an intervention is compulsory. If it is obvious to you that your marriage will end in a divorce unless you do something, its time to bring out the pen!
The goal here is to save your marriage. As such, a letter is perfect for couples who have been separated. During separation, couples tend to avoid each other. While time apart is necessary during such an ordeal, it does not mean that you should do nothing to save your marriage during separation.
A letter is also a good idea when it is obvious that your husband or wife does not seem to be interested in you anymore. A lot of times, people are not happy in their marriage but do not want to file for divorce due to other reasons.
This does not mean that you cannot rekindle their interest in you. In fact, a perfectly-worded letter may be exactly what they need to read in order to realize how important you are to them.
Lastly, a letter is also a good idea if you or your spouse have recently cheated. If you were the one who cheated, a letter can be used as an apology. If it was your spouse who cheated, a letter can be used to begin rebuilding your relationship. Remember if you are writing the letter as an apology to save your excuses. The purpose of the letter should be to reconnect with your spouse.
What Should You Include in Your Letter?
Let’s talk about the letter itself. The best way to write the letter is to act as if you are speaking to your spouse. Think of the letter as the definitive conversation that will ‘save your marriage’.
Do not be afraid to pour your heart out onto the piece of paper. You must discuss everything from your issues that you have with your spouse to what you think the issues of your spouse are towards you.
Here are a few things to keep in mind when jotting down your thoughts.
I do not want this to turn into an English lesson. As such, I will keep it short.
Be as informal as possible. Write as if you were talking to your spouse. It is best to start the letter with ‘Dear (name)’. If there is a nickname that you affectionately call your spouse by, use it.
The entire point of writing the letter is to not fall into the traps that you would if you were talking. Make sure that you do not become angry and write things that you don’t mean. If you feel like you are unable to curtail your emotions, take a break.
Mention The Problems
We have discussed above how you should mention the problems that you are having. Make sure to list every problem that is significant. However, avoid listing smaller issues that you can live with. I am not saying you should not deal with them, but this is not the place. You can fix them later.
Right now, your marriage is extremely fragile. You must only focus on the core problems as solving them will be the foundation upon which you rebuild your marriage. Mention the problems that you have, and the ones which you believe your spouse has.
What Will You do?
Once the problems are out of the way, mention what you are willing to do in order to save your marriage. This is the time to mention all of the wrong steps that you have taken, and how you are going to correct them.
A marriage does not fail out of anywhere, both the husband and the wife have to shoulder part of the blame. You must accept yours. Mentioning the changes that you are making to your life will help soften the impact of what you expect from your spouse.
One concept I absolutely love is the ‘I wish I were the wife/husband you deserve’. In this, you let your spouse know upfront that you are not perfect. But you also let them know that you are trying your best. With their help, you could someday be the person that they need and deserve.
What do you Expect?
Now, you must mention what you expect. It is best to adopt a tone that is hopeful and encouraging rather than assertive. However, this does not mean that you should hold back on your demands. You have a right over your spouse as much as they have a right over you.
You must make your spouse understand that being married means compromises and sacrifices. Let them know that they need to do this if they want to save the marriage.
Tell Them What’s at Stake
Your goal here is not only to avoid a divorce but to have a marriage that is much better than how it has been in recent times.
When people have been married for a while, they tend to take things for granted. They forget how important the bond that they have built is. You can use this letter to remind your spouse of that bond.
Feel free to delve into nostalgic memories right from the day you began dating. Meeting someone who is ‘The One’ is one of the most exciting times in any person’s life. Remind them of those days, of the promises that you made of one another, and how ‘in love’ you were.
Let them know that those days do not have to be in the past. It is possible for the two of you to work towards those days and live them once again.
The last tip that I want to give is to avoid using someone else’s letter. There are tons of letters available online that are specifically designed for your situation. It is very easy to use them and think ‘That should do it!’
I would highly advise you to stay clear of those letters. Every marriage is unique. What worked for someone else may not necessarily work for you. More importantly, the letter is meant to express your emotions and your love for your spouse. Using one that is written by someone else defeats the entire purpose of sending one.