Catching their husband looking at porn is a strange experience for most wives. Pornography is a very taboo subject, and conventional marriage wisdom fails to cover it due to it being a relatively new part of our lives (we are talking about internet porn here). Most wives understand that something is wrong in their relationship when their husband is addicted to porn. However, most of them cannot figure out what to do about it.
Your husband’s addiction to porn could harm your marriage in multiple ways. A small percentage of women are actually okay with their husband’s addiction. They say things like ‘At least he is not cheating on me’. As we explore later, pornography can damage your marriage much more than you realize. It is important that you help your husband recover as soon as possible.
Let’s start by taking a look at how your husband’s porn addiction can harm your marriage.
If you haven’t already, take the marriage assessment quiz. It’ll help us dig into the root of the problem so we can get you both back on track quickly.
Why Porn Addiction is Bad For Your Marriage
Porn addiction is when your husband simply cannot looking at pornography. No matter how much you try, he cannot resist the urge. Simply put, your husband is addicted to porn when it starts to affect other aspects of his life, such as his marriage and/or work.
Nowadays, internet porn is all the rage. Due to it being relatively new, there isn’t a lot of data to determine the effects of porn addiction. In fact, psychologists cannot even agree on whether porn can be addictive.
Regardless of all that, porn can impact your marriage negatively. A prolonged addiction could lead to problems that are quite similar to marriages in which a person cheats on their spouse. Here are a few reasons why it’s a problem when your husband constantly looks at porn.
He is Bringing Other Women Into His Life
Sure, he isn’t sleeping with other women. He is fantasizing about them though. Imagine how you would feel if you knew your husband masturbated to thoughts of his coworker with you in the next room.
What’s even more important is that porn is meant to be extremely stimulative. The actresses utilize lighting, full-body makeup, and editing to make them look perfect. No matter how beautiful you are, it is almost impossible to compare yourself to the perfect body of a pornstar.
As such, it is possible that your husband’s behavior towards you changes. He may begin to find you less attractive, as the women that he looks at are the perfect picture of sex, whereas you are a mere human.
It Will Impact Your Sex Life
As stated previously, your husband may be inclined to have less sex with you. Not only will he find you less attractive, but he will be getting his fix elsewhere. Sex would be the last thing on his mind if he just finished masturbating a few minutes before he went to bed. In fact, a few studies suggest that excessive pornography may have a direct link to erectile dysfunction.
Even when he does have sex with you, you may not like it. Pornography by nature is very extreme. There are numerous studies that show that men are more likely to watch porn regularly. This is because they are naturally more visual creatures. As such, most porn is geared towards men.
Because of this, the acts usually committed in a porn film are meant to arouse men as much as possible. Many of them are extremely derogatory towards women. It is possible that your husband is influenced by such behavior and wants to do some of the things that he sees in real life. To be fair, you may actually like some of them, but most of the things that he tries will only be unpleasant.
It May Lead to Greater Sins
Our human brain has remained largely unchanged since the beginning. It is not meant to be stimulated by the way porn stimulates men. As such, pornography can in some cases be a gateway drug. It will not lead to cocaine or heroin, but it may lead to prostitution or cheating.
Just think for a second. If your husband is looking at anywhere between 5-20 beautiful women engaging in sex every day, how long will he be able to control his urges? There will come a time when he is not satisfied just by looking. Instead, he will want to experience what he is watching.
Is Porn Always Bad For Married Couples?
If your husband is addicted to porn, then it will almost always be bad for your marriage. However, modern marriage is a lot more complex than it was before. Just like women are no longer expected to stay home with the kids, you should not think of porn as an extremely taboo vice that must be avoided at all costs.
In the correct amounts, porn can be healthy. Especially if the two of you watch it together. It can help you explore your fantasies and better understand what you like in bed.
Watching porn with your husband may help the two of you open up to each other more (from a sexual point of view). It may also make it easier for you to tell each other your fantasies, spicing up your sex life in the process.
Of course, this varies for each couple. For example, if the two of you are extremely religious, then you may want to avoid porn completely. What you and your husband decide is best for you is what you should do.
What cannot be argued against is that everything in excess is bad. If your husband has a porn addiction that is starting to take over his life, here is how you can help him.
How to Help Your Husband With His Porn Addiction
Remember that porn should never be used as an excuse for a divorce. There are many reasons why you may want to divorce your husband, but him being addicted to porn is not one of them. As stated previously, porn is designed to make men come back. It is not entirely his fault that he got addicted to it. However, he should be making a conscious effort to get rid of his addiction.
Throughout his recovery, you should try to help him in any way you can. Here are a few things that you can try.
Spice up Your Sex Life
Your husband may be unsatisfied with you sexually, thus leading to him watching porn. Even if you have regular sex (which is also good), he may want more promiscuity. Trying new things in the bedroom may lead to him finding satisfaction in his own marriage. Due to this, he may start to move away from porn.
You should never do something that you find abhorrent. Still, remember that marriage is full of compromises. It is best to ask him what he would like you to do. If he says something that you find unpleasant but can still live with, I would advise you to give it a try. Even if you don’t enjoy the physical act, you may find satisfaction in the happiness of your husband.
Encourage Him to Seek Help
Sadly, addiction to pornography is still in its infancy. As such, there aren’t a lot of experts that deal with it directly. A marriage counselor is probably your best bet. He or she might be able to explore the reasons why your husband is unable to quit porn. The insight provided by such a counselor could lead to a happier relationship with your husband (and better sex).
You can also try looking at support groups. If you live in a crowded city, it is likely that there is one near you. A support group may show your husband just how detrimental his addiction can be. The other members may also provide him with companionship and encourage him to better himself.
Tell Him How His Addiction Affects You
Telling him how you feel may give him the support needed to quit his addiction. Here are a few things you can say:
- How you feel when he looks at other women.
- How his addiction is affecting his job, his relationship with you, and his children.
- How embarrassing it would be if other people found out about his vice.
The general tone of your conversation with him should be positive and supportive. There is no reason to dwell on the past. Instead, tell him what you expect him to do. Let him know that the man you married was much better than the one you see today. Make him realize that he can be better, and you are there to help him through the struggle.
Give Him Other Things to do
In a lot of cases, I notice that men who get addicted to porn do not have a lot of other hobbies. Encouraging him to see old friends, get back into activities that he once used to enjoy, and go on dates with you could help his recovery.
The best-case scenario would be the two of you find things to do together. Remember that it should not be a passive activity such as watching a movie. Your objective here is to get him to try and DO new things. Even if it is something as simple as gardening or collecting rocks, it could help him with the recovery.
These activities could also help the two of you reconnect emotionally. Once he realizes that it is an emotion that makes sex worthwhile and not special effects and lighting, he may not want to look at porn again.
