Learning how to tell if your husband is in love with another woman is as much art as it is science. There are signs you can look for but you need to take them within the context of your marriage.
The most common signs that your husband is in love with another woman are becoming more emotionally and/or sexually distant, sudden changes in his attitude toward you, or his appearance when he goes out. These signs need to be looked at both individually and in context with the health of your marriage.
So let’s dig in a little deeper. Is he in love with another woman and (more importantly) what can you do about it?
It Happens. It Doesn’t Mean Your Marriage is Over.
Marriage can be beautiful just as much as it can be thorny, and definitely isn’t always easy. Sometimes fairy tale romances fizzle out, and the handsome ‘Prince Charming‘ can easily turn into an ugly toad. At least temporarily.
If we’re going to continue with that metaphor our goal here is to chase away the evil witch (in this case the other woman) and teach our Prince Charming the error of his ways. You might be surprised at how many marriages survive infidelity and come back stronger from it. I’m working on the assumption here this is what you want, and it’s not (completely) about throwing something at his head for cheating.
I believe in relationships being formed on the basis of trust just as much as on love. But sometimes a blind trust can be a prelude to disaster. I’m not asking you to obsessively track your husband but am simply highlighting the importance of keeping your eyes open.
If you’re here, you probably have a reason to suspect something already. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe not. I’m going to help you spot the signs
How Do You Know if He’s in Love With Someone Else?
There are many signs that should raise red flags in any relationship, for which you should look for. As a wife, you would probably be able to sense when something is different about your husband. Perhaps he is suddenly dressing different, or pulling more late nights at work. Perhaps he is behaving differently or even be complimenting other women excessively. It’s not hard to tell that his mind is on something else- or rather someone else.
I’m going to take a wild assumption here and assume you know him better than I do. This doesn’t mean I can’t help, but it does mean I can’t spell it out for you entirely.
Some of these signs are worrying that something is wrong in your marriage. Some of them will mean nothing at all by themselves. I’m trying to walk a fine line between helping here and not getting you to worry over anything. Keep everything in the context of your marriage.
Let’s break down the signs and then we’ll look at what to do if you spot them.
He’s Making Internal Justifications
Humans are hard-wired to avoid discomfort. We constantly tell ourselves little lies to make ourselves feel better and frame the world to fit our own view of ourselves and others. We all do this but cheating on your wife creates internal turmoil.
They’re going to make internal justifications and telling themselves that what they’re doing is alright. This will usually take the form of trying to shift the blame to you to make what he’s doing morally OK. At least to him.
This will take different forms:
- Saying things like “You never used to….“
- Being quick to fight over seemingly small things.
- Becoming overly defensive easily. A common justification is you ‘nag’ him constantly so becoming defensive easily lends itself easily to this idea.
- He might criticize things that didn’t bother him before.
Physical and Emotional Distancing (The Big Ones)
These are the real red alerts. When there’s growing physical and emotional distance between the two of you it’s probably the biggest sign your husband is in love with another woman. At best, there’s a problem with your marriage which we’re going to need to address.
If he withdraws more from your relationship he’ll feel less guilty about the affair.
This is the number one sign he’s fallen in love with someone else.
It’s impossible to keep the same emotional attachment to someone when you’ve got involved with someone else. Maybe if it’s just a physical fling he could somehow rationalize this in his mind but if he’s actually fallen in love with the other woman it’s impossible this won’t be obvious within your marriage.
Most of us can’t actually accept that we’re cheating (thus the internal justifications) and they’ll seek to create space between the two of you. This might take different forms:
- Withholding affection, compliments and stopped saying ‘I love you‘.
- Communicating less. He might fill the silence with small talk but won’t share feelings as easily.
This can take two different forms.
First of all, he’s less often around the house or spending time with you. At least part of this time will be spent with the other woman but there’s also a subconscious action here of creating a physical protective barrier between the two of you. The less he’s around the less chance he’ll slip up and get caught.
It might be that he spends more time at work, the gym or with friends. If he can’t physically separate himself from the house easily he might start finding excuses to be in a different room.
The second type of physical distance is actually brought on by emotional distance.
- Less handholding.
- Less (or non-existant) sex life.
- Conversely, an increase in sex life can be a result of improved testosterone levels from sex with the other woman making this one a tough one to judge. Basically, you’re looking for a sudden break from the norm.
If your husband starts physically improving his appearance for no apparent reason it can be a sign.
Now, I really want to stress that just because he irons his shirt in the morning, it doesn’t instantly mean he’s having an affair but if he’s suddenly taking an interest in his appearance when he wasn’t before, it might be because he’s trying to impress someone else.
A new cologne, a new gym routine or diet. These signs are easier to spot but they won’t tell you much by themselves. In combination with some of the other ones though and we have a problem.
Unexplained or Mysterious Behavior
This is an obvious one but we should cover it for completeness’ sake. It might not be immediately easy to spot until you actually think about it.
Sneaking around with his phone or not being able to easily explain where he was or what he was doing is a clear red sign that he’s hiding something. Now what he was hiding might just be embarrassing (and we’ll touch on not jumping to conclusions in a moment) but if you’re seeing a consistent pattern here it’s a huge warning sign.
Don’t Jump to Conclusions (Obvious – but Important)
Though these signs might make you inclined to believe that your husband might have fallen in love with another woman, instead of letting yourself ride that emotional roller coaster of assumptions, it’s best to put on your sleuthing cap, and figure it all out. Hastily jumping to conclusions regarding your partner’s unexplained behavior can potentially poison relationships where the partner is genuinely not guilty. You need to make sure whether your husband is in love with someone else or not.
How to Talk to Your Husband About It
If these signs are ringing true then it’s time to figure out what to actually do about it. You’re clearly going to need to talk about it but how you bring it up is going to dictate how that conversation goes.
Every marriage is different but I’ve seen this conversation happen often enough to have some advice. If you want to look at how to get your marriage back on track – take the marriage assessment quiz and we’ll take it from there.
First of all, it’s most likely that he’s going to deny cheating even despite the evidence. What we don’t want is to start the conversation and then for it just to fester and make things worse between the two of you. The easier you make this side of things, the quicker you can skip the arguing and begin the healing.
I have a complete guide on getting him to tell the truth about cheating and I highly suggest reading this before doing anything. It can be all too easy to let your emotions get a hold of things and charge in without a plan but our goal is to make an already difficult conversation as easy as possible.
In broad strokes:
- Give yourself time to be as calm as possible. Easier said than done, I know, but give yourself time to process and this will also cover our next point.
- Collect evidence. Suspicion is one thing but if you can find evidence on his phone (again, this is covered in the getting him to tell the truth guide above) it’s more likely to be an honest discussion.
- Be honest and patient with him (as much as possible). Tell him your intentions, this doesn’t mean you need to completely let him off the hook but tell him you want to figure out how to move past it.
Being in Love With Another Woman vs Physical Flings
For some, the difference between him falling and love and it just being about sex is a distinction without a difference. For others, it’ll be the difference between night and day.
You can breach this subject with something as simple as:
Did it mean anything to you?
I can’t tell you that one is any better or worse than the other. While it’s important we move past it (more on that in a moment) and not dwell on the affair – it’s important that we do that after facing the truth and that’s going to involve knowing.
Moving Past It
Nobody can tell you the right way to deal with your husband falling in love with another woman. If you want to throw a flower pot at his head, he should at least be the one to pay for the pot.
I can tell you that it’s not at all uncommon for couples to overcome and move past something like this.
Sometimes a bump in the road is enough to remind you both of what you have and appreciate it more. My hope is always to restore a marriage and get you back to where you were. This doesn’t happen overnight but if you’re both clear with what you want then it’s certainly achievable. The first step would be getting him to leave the other woman.
Healing the Rift