Hate is a strong word. If your husband actually hates you, it signals that the end of your marriage is near. Of course, it is possible to save your marriage if you are willing to put in the effort. Here, we guide you on how to tell if your husband hates you, and what to do if he does.
Fights are normal in any marriage. While every family goes through rough patches, it can take a lot for your husband to hate you. If things have deteriorated to such an extent, his manner towards you will be incredibly vicious, it could even border on emotionally abusive (or physically for some people). In most cases, a relationship is usually at its end once someone begins to hate their spouse.
Let’s dive into the signs that will tell you if your husband hates you.
Signs Your Husband Hates You
The things you’re seeing are likely symptoms of a deeper problem rather than the root cause itself. Take a moment to complete my marriage assessment quiz and I’ll help find the root cause and we can deal with that.
A simple way to tell if your husband hates you is by comparing his manner towards you with everyone else. What most people fail to realize is that their spouses subconsciously hold them to a higher standard. Because they consider them to be their life partners, they aim for the relationship to be perfect.
As such, if your husband has begun to hate you, he will treat you far worse than he would any other person he hates. Here are a few common signs that your spouse does not even have a sliver of affection for you:
Physical Intimacy is Completely Absent From Your Marriage
Some form of physical intimacy is almost always present in married couples. Even if they no longer have sex as frequently as they used to, they always find ways to be close to one another. For example, it is normal for a husband and wife to kiss each other goodbye in the morning or to hug one another in the evenings.
If your husband avoids your touch and wants to be as far away from you as possible, it is a sign that he hates you. A perfect example of this is when your husband refuses to sleep in the same bed with you. This signifies that he does not even want to consider the prospect of having sex with you or having to look at you before he falls asleep.
He Doesn’t Care What You Think
Your opinions, whether they are about him, your friends, or anybody else, have stopped to matter. You simply cannot get him to care about anything that is important to you.
Your husband may also say things that hurt your feelings, and not be bothered by how it affects you. Even when you try to talk to him about the issue, he says very little and his mind seems to be elsewhere.
His Focus is no Longer on the Family
By family, I do not mean just the two of you. I mean everyone involved. Your spouse may no longer pay attention to the kids, and their manner towards your parents and relatives may also change for the worse.
Just remember that this does not apply to everyone. In rare cases, husbands who resent their wives start paying extra attention to the kids. This can be for one of two reasons. Either he truly loves his children and does not want the fact that his marriage is falling apart to affect them. Or, he is working on improving his relationship with them so that he can have more clout during the eventual custody proceedings.
He is Open About His Interest in Other Women
By this, I do not mean his platonic interest in the women around him (e.g. a family friend who is going through a rough patch). Instead, he does not mind showing you that his libido is at full-throttle, but not for you.
He may openly look at other women on Facebook, stare at them when he is out with you, or even make flirtatious jokes with your friends in your presence.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to be in a relationship with any of those women. In fact, this may just be an attempt to annoy you and make you angry. Why? Because:
He Wants to Fight, Always!
If your husband hates you, he will want to fight you as much as possible. He will always have some choice comments saved for you that he just cannot wait to tell you.
As such, you may notice that he purposefully does things that would instigate a fight. Apart from displaying an interest in other women, he may do things that he knows will annoy you.
This could be something as simple as making a mess of the house and expecting you to clean up. Or, ordering you around as if you are his maid.
Selfishness is His Trademark
His selfish attitude will manifest itself in your relationship with him. Here are a few common signs that your husband is selfish and has no regard for you:
- He never puts any effort into improving his relationship with you.
- He takes you for granted, never even once entertaining the thought that his marriage may end.
- He refuses to accept any of his flaws or take the blame for any of his mishaps.
- He forgets anything that doesn’t relate to him directly (e.g. your wedding anniversary). At the same time, he expects to be treated like a king on his birthday.
Try to make one thing clear: Is your husband selfish only when it comes to your marriage or in general? There are people who are simply incapable of placing anyone else above themselves.
I have seen marriages where the husband is obviously head-over-heels in love with his wife but is incapable of showing it. Wives often start to resent their spouse as they think that he simply doesn’t love them anymore. This has been the downfall of many a marriage, and you need to keep the bigger picture in mind when coming to a conclusion of whether your husband is selfish because he hates you or if he is simply a selfish man.
Is it the End of My Marriage if my Husband Hates me?
Not always. Any relationship can be saved. However, you must decide if your marriage is worth saving. If your husband hates you, it is possible that he has been acting in an extremely terrible manner.
If he resorted to extended emotional abuse or even physical violence, continuing the marriage may not be in your best interests.
If you are committed to saving your marriage, then here are a few steps you can take to that effect:
Seek Professional Help
Usually, I advise couples to discuss their relationship at this point. Talking to each other and having a heart to heart can help couples regroup and rethink their long-term goals together.
However, if your husband hates you, he will not want to talk to you. In fact, any effort to try to get him to open up will only backfire on you.
If you can convince him to seek couples counseling, a trained professional may know the right things to say. They may be able to get him to blurt out exactly what it is that makes him hate you. They could also guide you on the best way to reconnect with each other and rebuild your relationship.
Follow Through on the Advice
If you did manage to convince your husband to visit a counselor, he or she will have given the two of you a lot to think about. They may have suggested some communication exercises, or given you guidelines on how the two of you can solve your problems.
It is important that you do your part well, while constantly supporting your husband on his end too. He may be reluctant, and it is up to you to convince him that this is what’s best for both of you.
Don’t Lose Hope
This isn’t a non-advice tip like ‘Things will get better’. The real world does not work that way. You have to make things better yourself.
Even if your husband shows no sign of affection, do everything you can to give him the necessary emotional support and comfort that is expected of a spouse. I am not saying that you should accept it if he treats you like a sub-human. In that case, you should stand up for yourself and be as confrontational as he is being.
However, drizzling fuel onto the flame will only lead to more problems. If the first thought when you see your husband trying to push your buttons is how you can push his, then you don’t want to save your marriage in the first place. In this case, it might be better for you to look for alternatives.
Give Trial Separation a Go
Speaking of alternatives, if your husband is simply unwilling to change, a trial separation is a last resort. Separation can save a marriage if both you and your husband are willing to put in the effort.
Separation can have one of two outcomes. Your husband will realize how important you are to him and how much he misses you and make attempts to win you back, or he will realize that his marriage is done and dusted.
Managing a separation can be difficult, for example, is your husband dating while you’re separated? However, this is the surest way to see if the two of you are meant to be together. If you aren’t, then both of you will be better off getting a divorce.