If you clicked here looking for advice on how to return to the good old days, do not worry. Almost all marriages suffer from a loss of love at some point. Eventually, they turn into a routine. When you reminisce about the early days of your relationship, you may wonder if the love has been lost for good. You may wonder how to restore your marriage and fall in love again.
It is definitely possible to fall in love again. In most cases, you may find that you still love your spouse, and your spouse loves you. However, the two of you have failed to show it in recent times. Even if the love has dwindled away, reviving your marriage and falling in love is much easier than it seems. After all, you fell in love once!
In the first section, we will take a look at how you and your spouse are still probably in love. And if that is the case, how you can begin to show it. In the second section, we will explore how to fall back in love if you feel that your marriage has gone sideways.
Before going any further, make sure you’ve taken the marriage assessment quiz if you haven’t already. The quicker you know where the problem areas lie, the quicker we can focus on the fix and get things back on track.
Why Love May Not be Obvious in a Marriage
The simplest reason why you and your spouse are not able to love each other the way you used to is due to time. If you are reading this, chances are that you have been married for a few years. It is also probable that you are now a parent.
Think back to when you think you were in love. Can you remember how much free time you had back then? A huge reason why you and your spouse don’t engage in all the romantic activities that you used to is simply due to how hectic your lives have become.
This is quite normal in a marriage. If you are thinking of how to fall in love again, then you still love your spouse. The fact that you are willing to make the effort to reignite the spark is proof. The good news is that your spouse probably feels the same way. The two of you have simply forgotten how to express your love.
Will my Marriage Always be Like This?
No! There is no reason that you should accept your new reality. Marriage is a constant effort, and you must try to strengthen your bond by ‘showing your love’ rather than just feeling it.
What does that mean? Well, it is not so simple anymore as it is used to be. When you are dating (or in the early years of your marriage), you show love through going on dates, buying each other gifts, and having lots of sex.
Now, your role in the marriage is different. In fact, the roles of husbands and wives become more unique as time goes by.
If you are a wife looking who constantly wonders ‘Loving my husband used to be so easy, why is it so hard now?’, then read on. Husbands can skip the next section (or read it anyways and explain what you have learned to your wife) and read about what they can do to restore the love that they think is gone.
How to Restore Love With Your Husband
Always remember that men and women have different expectations of one another. Modern marriage is quite different from how it was just 50 years ago. In the past, women stayed at home taking care of the kids while their husbands went to work. Thankfully, those days are largely gone. However, a bit of tradition may be exactly what you need here.
If you are working, chances are that you rarely get to cook for your husband. A tiny act like this can go a long way. I am not saying that making dinner for your husband will save your marriage. What I mean is that a little act of affection can end up making a huge difference. It could even be something as simple as buying him a new aftershave.
The point is that people often forget how little acts end up strengthening your relationship. The big picture stuff is obviously more important (such as working on owning your own home, sending your kids to a good school). However, those things do not end up bettering your relationship with your husband. Taking care of him does.
Once you start trying to make a change, your husband will probably reciprocate. Learning to show affection for each other all over again can be a slow process. Once you do that though, the end result is you thinking “Damn am I in love with my husband!”.
How to Restore Love With Your Wife
One of the main things that I notice in a marriage that has lost love is that the husband usually fails to notice the hard work that his wife does. The easiest way for you to show love is by appreciating her for it and helping her through it.
We can take the last section and reverse its example here. If your wife is the one who is usually cooking the meals, taking her out to a nice dinner once or twice a week would be a great start.
Even in marriages where both the husband and wife work full-time, it is usually the wife that is taking care of the kids. If that is the case in your marriage, then helping out the kids may be one of the easiest ways to show your wife that you care about your marriage.
Simply put, you need to go out of your way to do nice things for your wife. Isn’t this exactly what you used to do when you began dating? Why have you stopped now? Most people think of marriage as the end goal for a relationship. In reality, marriage is the true beginning of it. Once you are married, you need to work even harder to maintain and further strengthen your bond with your wife.
How do You Get The Love Back in Your Marriage if it Truly Has Been Lost?
In some cases, it is possible that you and your spouse simply aren’t in love anymore. This happens after years of neglecting each other. It can also happen due to a mistake by one of you, such as cheating. However, just because someone cheats in a marriage does not mean that they aren’t in love with their spouse. No matter how bad things seem, there is always a fix.
If you are in this situation, then reviving your marriage can be a little difficult. Before you do anything else, you must make sure that both you and your spouse are on the same page.
It is best to get everything out in the open. Discuss the problems in your marriage openly with one another. Fights during such discussions are quite common. While you should try to avoid them, do not be afraid to let all your emotions out.
Unless both of you arrive at the same conclusion i.e. we must try to fall in love again, divorce may be best. But before you do that, make sure that this is definitely what you want. I cannot tell you how many people I have talked to that got a divorce and regretted it afterward. At certain stages of the marriage, the going can get tough. Rather than getting a divorce, sticking through the hard times may be infinitely more rewarding.
How to Fall in Love Again
Here are a few things you can do to get the love back in your marriage.
- Do everything we have mentioned above. Simple acts that display affection should help your brain subconsciously care for your partner.
- Try to rekindle the emotional intimacy that you once had. Repeatedly discuss your feelings with one another. Make sure you tell your spouse what you expect from them. Also, make sure to hear out what they expect from you.
- Build sexual chemistry from the ground up. You probably can’t screw around like rabbits anymore, but you can surely have a healthy sex life. Prioritize having sex as much as possible (but not to the point where it interferes with other important things). Also, try to be spontaneous about sex and do not be afraid to engage it in an impromptu manner.
- Practice efficient communication. I have previously discussed the 5 real questions that can save a marriage. Use them and notice how easy it is for you to talk about everything from your day to where you guys see yourselves in a few years.
- Let go of all previous grudges. What’s in the past is in the past. It’s time to focus on the future.
Fixing the Marriage Quickly
One Last Asterisk: Financial Problems
I can’t cover how to restore your marriage and fall in love again without at least touching on this subject. It will matter for some couples more than others but can be incredibly important and a real turning point for some.
Financial problems can cause a lot of unhappiness in relationships. When you are married, it is even worse as your finances are usually intertwined. If one of you has terrible spending habits, then it is time to curtail them.
Also, if one of you isn’t working, it may be time for him/her to find a job. Of course, someone has to tend to domestic responsibilities. As such, a part-time job for one of you may be the ideal solution to have some extra cash on hand.
A lot of couples manage to live happily on an extremely tight budget. However, not having enough money usually clouds your judgment. It also does not allow the two of you to pursue activities that keep the spark alive in a marriage. For example, a vacation can be a great way to reconnect with your spouse. If you don’t have enough money to go on one, you lose that chance.
I am not someone who is qualified to give financial advice. However, you should make sure that the reason for the problems in your marriage is not money. If it is, you should focus on eliminating the financial burden along with everything discussed above!