Learning how to rebuild trust in a marriage after lying means getting both of you back to where you used to be. Figuring out what got you to this stage and dealing with the underlying problem.
Rebuilding trust after lying means dealing with the underlying problem behind the lies, improving your communication and figuring out how to move forward so it doesn’t happen again.
For many of us, trust is the ultimate promise of happiness in a marriage. If you trust your partner to do right by you, make the right choices, and stay with you, come what may, you’re living a blissful married life.
However, as humans, we often make the mistake of taking things guaranteed. That is when many of us make the mistake of lying in a marriage. What starts as small white lies soon become big enough to threaten the integrity and the base of your relationship.
When trust is broken, we’re all left in a darkness that we think we may never be able to surface out of. After all, if there is no trust in a marriage, you can neither expect it to be happy or workable.
So, what do you do when your partner breaks your trust? Don’t lose heart! I’ve seen marriages come back from the brink and go on to become stronger because of it. Sometimes a wake-up call like this can help both of you in the long run.
What is Trust in a Marriage and How Do You Make Boundaries?
Before we embark on the journey of healing your marriage after lying or infidelity, you need to understand what trust really is.
Trust isn’t exploiting each other’s boundaries or personal space. If you expect your partner to share their social media passwords or their bank account details with you solely the name of the trust, you might be as far away from the faith as one can be. Of course, if they do that themselves and share it with you, that’s fine. But forcing them to do so isn’t what trust means.
In fact, trust can mean different things to different couples. For many, it’s the feeling of safety, love, and comfort that your partner brings with them. For others, trust means that you can be the most vulnerable in front of your partner, and they wouldn’t hurt you.
In any form, the essence of trust demands you to support each other, love each other, and be confident that your partner will do right by you.
How Do You Trust Someone After They Lie?
When anyone breaks your trust it’s going to be painful but when the foundation of a marriage is the trust between you it can feel like the bottom fell out of your world.
Does the Lying Really Matter?
Every marriage is going to look at this differently.
Some will demand complete honesty about everything. Others account for small white lies or sometimes people lie to hide minor faults, mistakes or protect their ego.
It’s really hard to look at marriage in general and say it’s immediately a sign that there’s a problem with your marriage. If you’re trying to get someone to tell the truth about cheating that’s obviously a problem. If your husband is lying about taking the bins out that one is going to take a lot less work.
I’ll get into the details of some general advice you can use to start rebuilding trust. If you’d like to take in more detail about your marriage specifically take a moment to take the marriage assessment quiz.
Consider the Reason Why They Lied to You
Yes, there can be no justification for lying to your partner. However, sometimes there can be a chain of causation that can help you identify the reason behind their irrational behavior. That is to say that your partner could have lied to you about some personal issues. Perhaps, they’re struggling with trauma. Or maybe something troubling or neglect from your side pushed them towards this behavior.
When you consider the reason why they lied to you, it becomes easier to rebuild trust. You can now move past that and be prepared to have a conversation with them. So it all starts with acceptance of why they lied.
Be Open to a Conversation and Listen to Them
When you finally talk with your partner, keep in mind that you’ve sat down actually to listen to them. Let them pour out their feelings of regret, guilt, and whatever they have been thinking.
Their ego might even come into play and they could even start lying again.
Sometimes one of you has to do a little more of the heavy lifting in a conversation. Set your ego aside, resist the urge to yell at them and just be mindful of what they’re saying and why. If you expect the conversation is going to be a difficult one, I suggest putting pen to paper and preparing your thoughts beforehand.
Listening is an essential part of rebuilding trust as it allows you to understand their perspective. This is necessary because when you view things from your spouse’s lens, you can better understand their behavior and see if you’re willing to work on the relationship.
Learning how to rebuild trust in a marriage after lying is mostly about learning to improve your communication skills. Learning that is mostly learning to listen to each other better.
Make Sure They Hear how Hurt You’ve Been
So after you’ve let them talk about their feelings, it’s time for them to hear how you’ve been betrayed. Again, this doesn’t mean yelling and screaming. It doesn’t mean blaming or pointing out other flaws.
It allows your spouse to see the consequence of their lies. More importantly, it encourages them to work on their relationship with you.
When I’m asked how to save a marriage I always say it works as long as one person can put in the effort. But that effort needs to get both of you back to where you were before the problems started. To do this, they need to understand the pain you’re in or it’ll just happen again.
Move Forward and Apologize Sincerely
Make sure that before you apologize to one another, you communicate your feelings, the reasoning behind your behavior, and understand one another properly. More importantly, ensure that you can forgive your partner for what they’ve done. Because if you can’t forgive them, you shouldn’t prolong the pain more.
Don’t just say sorry because you have to say it. But say it because you genuinely mean it to save your relationship and give it another chance.
Stop Bringing up the Past and Choose To Heal
This is, perhaps, the hardest part of learning to rebuild trust in a marriage after lying. Once you’re able to honestly talk about the issue and deal with it you both need to move on.
This means not throwing it in each other’s face at the next argument over who finished the milk. If you’re still bringing it up, you need to loop back to dealing with the problem and address it.
You should not expect the problem to go away instantly. It might take time, but once you’ve moved past it then let it stay in the past where it belongs.
How Do You Build Trust Again After Infidelity?
Not every case of lying in a marriage involves infidelity but it’s one of the more common issues that come up. You can still rebuild trust (more marriages have come back from this than you might think) but it’s going to take time.
Find Out the Reason and Accept It
Again, this all comes back to communication.
You’re going to need to talk about the cheating openly and honestly. You shouldn’t dwell on the details but the only way to have a chance at moving on is, to be honest about why it happened.
Promise and Commit To Self-Improvement
We know that accepting your fault doesn’t come easy to anyone. We’re all humans, after all. But acceptance isn’t the only stepping stone. It would help if you committed to improving yourself while rebuilding trust.
This goes for both partners. Both of you must renew your promises to yourselves and work on your flaws. You can only love one another when you love yourself.
Release Your Anger and Move Towards Forgiveness
Not every relationship is built on roses and perfumed air. We all have to go through the thorns – they’re a part of roses.
So release your anger. Leash it on your partner and show them how you’ve been hurt. But once you’ve done that, let go of it.
Let go of the feelings that hold you back and move towards forgiveness. It wouldn’t come right away, but if you allow yourself to trust again and work on each other, it will come.
Give Your Partner Some Space and Time To Learn How To Trust Again in Your Relationship
As for the partner who cheated, do not rush the process.
You should know how your infidelity has shattered your partner and that they need time and space to emerge from it. So allow them to heal. Be there for them throughout the process but do not try to rush it at all. At the same time, you should understand and accept that your relationship might never be the same.
Think about it – you took away their pride and love. How can you expect them to get over it quickly?
It will take time to heal, and therefore, you have to be patient.
Learn That Rebuilding Trust Takes Time but Stay Committed
However, time doesn’t give you an excuse to go off the track again.
This is the time to bring out your early day’s romantic side. Plan dinners for your partner, shower them with gifts, and above all, communicate. Show them how much the relationship means to you by staying committed to your relationship. Your kindness, care, and love is the only way to help them heal.
How Long Will It Take To Mend Broken Trust in a Relationship?
There’s no certain timeline or easy roadmap as to when it will happen or how it will happen. It is different for every couple. Some people put their love for one another and their family above all and fight through it within weeks. At the same time, there are many other couples who carry the wounds of the betrayal to the grave.
How quickly your relationship will mend after a betrayal depends on how much you’re willing to put into it. If you’re committed to reviving your marriage and work on your shortcomings, you might move beyond it faster than you’d think.
If you’re both able to learn from this bump in the road you might even be better for it in the long run.
Choose To Be With Your Partner While Rebuilding Trust
Lastly, do not forget that you’re both in this together!
Marriage is a promise of eternal companionship, so whatever happens, choose to live up to that promise, and you will come out of it – stronger and more in love.