Learning how to get your husband to leave the other woman is maybe one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. But, you love him so much to lose him without a fight. Getting your husband back is as much art as it is science. My years of experience can help, so what’s our first step?
Over 60% of infidelity is overcome. Getting your husband to leave her means getting his attention, making him understand what he’s risking and then showing him where you both could be.
So, let’s cover the obvious stuff first. We’re going to talk in fairly general terms here, but just remember that every marriage is somewhat unique so you’ll need to take this advice in the context of your relationship. If you’d like to take a moment and tell me what you’re going through I can try to help more specifically.
My Husband Loves Another Woman What Should I Do?
Statistics show that 60-70% of couples survive the infidelity[1] and make the marriage work again so your first step is to take a breath for a moment. It’s easy to let your emotions overwhelm you at this stage.
Take and give a breather before doing anything
How can you stay calm after knowing that your beloved husband loves another woman? Well, you can’t. But, you can’t lash out at him and break the flower vase on his head either. You take a day or two to process the information which is about to put your marriage to the test. It feels like the world’s ending. But it’s not, neither is your marriage. It’s still salvageable.
You need to stay strong to make that happen. Spend just enough time apart to process the pain. Remember you are taking the space not because you want to end the marriage but because you want to save it. Use the time you have taken to reflect on your marriage and come up with a game plan to win your husband back. Remember it’s not you against him. It’s both of you against the other woman. The catch is he doesn’t know it yet.
Have the ‘talk’ and address the elephant in the room
I know it breaks your heart that there is someone else in your husband’s life. It makes you feel suffocated, angry and betrayed. But, you can’t save this marriage by sitting there in the dark and wondering what went wrong. So, you need to call him and have the ‘talk’. While you do, present yourself as the most logical and put together person he’d ever known.
You’d surely feel emotional. You’d want to yell at him and throw stuff. But, you don’t want this conversation to go in vain. It’s imperative that you remind him what an amazing wife you are.
It won’t be easy to confront him. It’d get even harder if he gets defensive and tries to pin the blame on you. But remember that he’s still attached to the other woman. She seems to be all rainbows and unicorns whereas you are the nagging one making him feel guilty. So your husband’s behavior at the moment is not an accurate reflection of how he truly feels about you.
I’ve spoken before about husbands refusing to talk about problems (you might want to read that if you think he’s likely to not want to talk). It’s a great sign if he’s instantly receptive to addressing the problem but that won’t always be the case at first.
Despite his reaction, express how broken you are feeling and be brave enough to ask him if he is still willing to work on the relationship. He might have thought you’d want a divorce when he told you about the affair. Let him know that your love is stronger than that. If he realizes that he has blundered and wants to work together to rebuild the marriage, congratulations. You are on your way to win your husband back and it’d only be a matter of time before he left the mistress for good.
What If He Won’t End Things With His Mistress?
Even if your husband doesn’t want to end things yet with the other woman, it’s not over between you two. You can tell him that you are willing to wait for him to discern whom to choose. Make it clear to him that you are inclined to move past the affair and won’t stop working on getting him back until he feels the same. In case you are wondering if you are being his doormat, the answer is not at all. Unlike him, you took the vows seriously and won’t give in to the mistress.
Relationships take work and sometimes one person has to work harder than the other. Be the bigger person and don’t stop until your husband sees how lucky he is to have a wife like you. When you are trying your best to get him back but can’t think of getting intimate, you don’t have to. Try to keep a minimal communication going on. Talk about the broken bathroom sink, groceries, or your children maybe.
Don’t push it hard but keep the conversation alive. Once he realizes you are not giving up, let him know that while you are doing everything to get him back, you can’t keep the light burning alone forever. He needs to step in or else you will be left with the last option and he doesn’t want that. The moment he gets scared of losing you by continuing the affair, chances are he has come to his senses.
How to Make Him Forget the Other Woman
While I don’t have a straightforward way to make him forget the other woman, I can surely guide you in the right direction.
Give couples therapy a go
Are you thinking to yourself, ‘Why’d I go? I am not the one who is in love with someone else!’ But, like it or not, when one partner engages in a relationship outside the marriage, in most cases both partners have played a part to let this happen. I hear you saying, ‘I didn’t do anything wrong. I am a good wife!’ I am sure you are or else you wouldn’t be here reading this.
But, you need to find out what led him astray before you make him forget his mistress. Doing it means taking a hard look at yourself. What was missing from your husband’s life that he chose to put the marriage in jeopardy? You know for sure you loved him and did everything you could.
In that case, a professional counselor can help you put things into perspective. You can then figure out why he felt the urge to go to another woman despite having a good deal going with you. Remember I said it wouldn’t be easy and you’d need to deal with the underlying issues. During the sessions, you’ll get to know all the down and dirty details about this secret part of your husband’s life – when it started, for how long it has been going on, and where the other woman thinks the relationship was going.
I understand it’d be excruciating, but both of you will get to express how you truly feel. Understanding the rationale behind your husband’s misstep rather than pointing fingers at each other and fighting the whole time, will help you get your husband back.
Don’t be too curious about the affair
Your husband promised you total honesty from this moment onwards and you want to know everything about the mistress. Was she prettier? Was sex better with her? Does he still love her?
Stop going down that road before you end up hurting your struggling relationship. Curiosity killed the cat. You don’t want him pondering those memories. You don’t want to know too much. The more you talk about it, the more you remind him of the other woman. Whether he tells you or not, your husband is ashamed of cheating on you. Every time you bring it up, you risk impeding the progress that you have made.
Let bygones be bygones. You both are now committed to becoming the couple you were meant to be. Those emotions and memories shouldn’t be part of this endeavor.
Remind him of the history, the present, and the future
Show him how much both of you have invested in this relationship to let it fall apart. Remind him how happy you two were when you first got married. How you could barely keep your hands and minds off each other. You have so much history together and know each other’s biggest pet peeves.
Do you have children together? Make him consider how badly it would affect the kids if you two don’t make it work. Remind him that the future you both planned together, needs both of you to be together.
Does he want to risk all this for a fling? Show him what you can offer as a wife and how that’s worth more than anything his mistress will ever be able to give.
Make him fall in love with you again
I’ve got a very in-depth guide on how to save your marriage (which you might want to take a look at if you haven’t already). This isn’t going to be an overnight process but it’s absolutely possible.
From all the women out there, your husband chose to spend the rest of his life with you. He saw something in you that he didn’t find in any other woman. Remind yourself who you were back in those days. Did you evolve into someone else and unknowingly pushed him away? Maybe he was looking for you in the other woman the whole time.
Now that you have taken him under your wing again, show up as the fiercely amazing woman he fell in love within the first place. Spend time to take care of yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin again. Be proactive and go on dates with your husband.
When you are trying to kick the other woman out of your husband’s mind, get to know about his deepest, darkest sexual fantasies. Spice up your sex life! Be comfortable to talk it out. Be open to trying new things with him.
Jog his memory by talking about the vows you have exchanged at the altar. Better yet renew them while you are starting this relationship anew. You can even have a small renewal ceremony by the beach. This time you both know, the vows will be fulfilled.
Let your unconditional love for him make you strong enough to turn the other woman into nothing but a nightmare from the distant past.
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