Your husband cheating on you! You are obviously devastated, and angry, and disappointed, and craving revenge! Divorce has obviously crossed your mind, but something is preventing you from pulling the trigger. If you find yourself wondering whether your marriage can be saved at this point, the answer is yes! Today, I will tell you how to fall in love with your husband again after cheating.
If you want to stay with your husband even after he cheated, he means that you already love him. The problem is turning that love into a relationship in which you can trust him again. You must find a way to return things back to normal. For that, I have a 3 step process that you can follow.
Before we look at the 3 steps, let’s delve into what you should do if your husband continues to cheat. If you haven’t already, make sure you take the marriage assessment quiz so we can figure out the root of the problem and we’re not just trying to treat the symptom.
Should I Stay With my Cheating Husband?
Over half of all marriages manage to survive infidelity. The main reason they survive is that the spouse that cheats is apologetic and realizes that they must save their marriage.
If your husband fails to realize this, and blames his affair on you instead, then staying with him may not be the right choice.
In worst-case scenarios, I have seen husbands continue their affair and their wives still staying with them. The wives may stay with them for a number of reasons, from being afraid of independence to the wellbeing of their children. However, the miserable lives that those wives end up living are never worth the sacrifices they make.
As such, it is possible for you to love your husband again, but only if he is willing to love you again. A cheating husband who cannot change his ways should be served with divorce papers, as that is what he deserves.
Step 1: Forgiveness
Before you return to living a normal happy life, you must completely forgive your husband. It is not easy, and it will take some time.
You should never rush this step. If your husband wants to save his marriage, he will give you the space you need. Take this time to think things through and get over the fact that you were cheated on.
Let Your Feelings Out
Make sure your husband understands how you feel. It is okay to cry, to scream, and to let him know how his betrayal hurt after all that you did for him.
Make sure that you have said all you need to say and as many times as you need to say. In my experience, this phase lasts for at least a few days after a person catches their spouse cheating.
Bottling up your feelings in order to speed up the recovery of your marriage will only lead to problems further down the road. You will become passive-aggressive since you haven’t completely moved past your husband’s infidelity. Your husband will then begin to resent you as he will feel that you just cannot forgive him.
Start Discussing the Nature of Your Marriage
After a few days, the two of you should start discussing the major problems that you face. Now, the focus should shift from ‘my pain’ to ‘our pain’.
Now that you have had some time to think over things, you should ask your husband why he felt the need to cheat on you. Of course, his infidelity is his fault. However, you have to accept a small part of the blame and make up for the deficiencies that he felt he needed to find in someone else.
I would advise you to seek a marriage counselor at this point. They will probably be able to speed up the healing process and help the two of you get in touch with your inner emotions.
Step 2: Fall in Love Again
Remember that I said if you want to still stay with your husband after he cheated, you already love him. That is true! All that you need to do is to do things that will allow you to feel the same excitement that you felt for him once.
How to love your Husband After he Cheated
Simply put, the two of you need to rebuild the trust that is now lost because of his infidelity. The burden of this is largely on him. However, you should help him and support him through this process. The main thing you can do is let the past be past and let go of everything he did to make you miserable. Give him a second chance and judge him based on his behavior in the future only.
When recovering from an ordeal like this, emotional intimacy must exist before sexual intimacy can exist. As such, the two of you need to do things that will help you reconnect. Here are a few of them:
Go on Dates
Try to go out as much as you can. Think of these dates as if you are starting over as if you just met. During the first step, you will have already discussed how his affair made both of you feel. As such, make sure that you do not delve over memories from the past on these dates (unless they are happy memories).
Chances are that both of you are fairly different people from when you first met. In my experience, married couples do not get the time to discuss their evolving interests and values with each other as often. Well, now is your chance. Try to make as much time for each other as possible, and rediscover one another!
Find Things to do Together
If you find something that the two of you can do together (it can be anything from hiking to a cooking class), you will start to truly enjoy each other’s company once again.
It could be something that you used to do once upon a time (such as when you began dating) but stopped doing for some reason.
Try to find something that you both enjoy. Your husband at this point will want to make up for his actions and may go along with anything you suggest. If you want to truly return to a normal marriage, it is important that you encourage him to voice his opinion on what you should do.
Take a Vacation (Optional)
If it is possible, going away for a while may allow the two of you to find each other again in a relaxed environment. If both of you work full-time, it could be difficult for the two of you to dedicate enough time to each other. A vacation would take care of that.
If you can’t take a vacation, even a weekend trip might go a long way. If you have kids, I would advise you to leave them with their grandparents (or find a babysitter that you trust). The purpose of this trip is for you to fall in love again, and there should as few distractions as possible.
Step 3: Normalize
Once the two of you fully understand each other and have rebooted your relationship, it’s time to return things back to normal.
Remember to take as much time as you need with the first two steps. Only when you are sure that you have forgiven your husband and are in love with him once again should you try to go back to the way things were.
Can a Relationship Go Back to Normal After Cheating?
The fact that your husband cheated on you will always be somewhere in the back of your mind. However, it is possible for your relationship to be completely normal once again.
You will not be bothered by your husband’s betrayal because you will see how much better he is now. If he truly does love you, he will make sure to not only make the same mistake twice but also show his appreciation for you more so than ever before.
In order to normalize a marriage quickly after cheating, it is important that the two of you grow together. Constant discussion of where the two of you are and where the two of you want to be in the future can help with this. During the normalization period, here are the things you should do:
Start Having Sex Again
It is possible that your husband already started having sex again in one of the previous stages. If you have, great! If you haven’t, now is the time to start.
A healthy sexual relationship is necessary for things to return to the way they were. You may not feel like having sex, as the thought of your husband with another woman may be stuck in the back of your mind. If that happens, try to still have some form of physical intimacy. Eventually, you will feel comfortable enough to enjoy sex once again.
Use What You Have Learned to Live Better Lives
During the process of rebuilding your relationship, the two of you will be better acquainted with one another than ever before.
Use the new information at your disposal to care for each other in the best way possible. Efficiently divide your responsibilities, and make sure to give each other time above all else.
The most common reason for cheating is not being unable to control your desires. Rather, it is the lack of emotional support and intimacy that pushes men and women to stray. Making your marriage your first priority while still focusing on all other aspects of your life will lead to a much healthier relationship.
In case you still experience problems when you try to normalize things, go back to the first two steps and start again. Nobody is perfect, and recovery for some couples will be slower than for others. As long as both you and your husband are willing to stick through the difficult times, better days will always be just around the corner!
