I get asked how to deal with a lazy husband more often than I used to expect. This laziness might seem innocent but can be construed as a lack of commitment to the relationship and a breeding ground for an unhappy marriage. I’m here to help you explore the deep-rooted causes of your husband’s laziness and show the ways of dealing with a lazy husband.
Laziness doesn’t just mean his reluctance in helping you around the house. It’s more detrimental when he is lazy to show interest in you, put effort into the marriage, and take your needs into consideration on a regular basis. A marriage needs constant hard work and effort from both sides to keep it strong. If one person does all the work while another one doesn’t invest time and energy into the relationship, it starts to grow weaker by the day.
So, what to do when you’re married to a guy who wouldn’t make the effort to make you feel valued and appreciated? First, let’s get to the bottom of this destructive behavior to address the challenges.
If this is putting a strain on your marriage (or you suspect it’s part of a deeper problem) take the marriage assessment quiz.
Why Is My Husband So Lazy?
It’s natural not to be the lovey-dovey couple you were during your honeymoon phase. But, that doesn’t mean you’ll have to do all the household chores alone after that. Nor does that mean your husband gets to stop putting effort into the relationship. Then why does he act this way? Let’s look at a few common reasons.
That’s the Only Way He Knows
Maybe that’s who he is. You expect him to show more affection but he is an introvert who finds it really difficult to talk about his feelings. It also might be his default setting once he is done chasing and winning someone. That’s how he treats his partner once he gets comfortable around them. He might also be culturally conditioned not to help around the house and expects his wife to do all the work.
He isn’t really aware of the fact that his laziness can slowly poison your relationship. Since being the way he is not only acceptable but natural in his eyes, he might not even know that his laziness has been bothering you. He still loves you but doesn’t feel the necessity to invest in the relationship as he did before getting married.
His Work is Exhausting Him
If your husband is working late nights and early mornings to provide a better life for you and the kids, You might find him lazy in the bedroom quite often. What you’re mistaking for laziness or lack of interest on his part, might actually be low libido thanks to his overworked brain. Stress affects testosterone production in men which can have a negative effect on their sex drive.
So, sometimes when he doesn’t meet your needs in the bedroom or says he’s too tired to have sex, try not to take it personally. There are some common signs your husband is not attracted to you which differentiate a problem in your marriage from a simple lack of sleep.
Also, have a hard look at his physical and mental health. Is he suffering from any sort of mental illness that he won’t admit? His untreated anxiety and depression might be the reason why your marriage is turning sour.
He Takes You for Granted
If you’ve been married for a long time, your husband might feel like he knows you really well and there’s no need to make an effort to get to know the person you’re evolving into. That’s because knowingly or unknowingly he started to take you for granted. His lack of enthusiasm to work in the relationship is the main culprit. How does it look like you ask?
He thinks you should be the one doing household chores all the time and doesn’t even thank you enough for all the hard work you put into the marriage. On top of that, you don’t feel heard, he forgets your birthday and forgets to include you in making important decisions. He doesn’t take you out for dinner or feels like doing something simply to make you smile since he thinks there’s no need to impress you like the early days in your relationship.
He Doesn’t Feel Appreciated
He feels like all his efforts to make you happy go unnoticed. Nothing he does can ever make you satisfied. Even though you never did anything to make him feel that way, but were you appreciative enough? Did you thank him when he tried to go out of his way to do something for you? Maybe you didn’t because they were not doing what you needed or wanted.
It’s natural for you to want him to do something in a certain way and you told him how he can do better. But he took it negatively as nitpicking. If he feels that he can’t ever do anything the way you want and he is always being criticized instead of appreciated, he might give up trying altogether.
He’s Putting Effort Somewhere Else
Even after frequent attempts to communicate with him and addressing how his lack of effort is straining your marriage, if he doesn’t seem to pay heed, it might be because he is busy investing his time and energy somewhere else. If there is another woman in his life, chances are she is getting all the love and care you are craving.
If your husband is busy remembering someone else’s likes and dislikes while spending all his free time with her, he barely has time to make you a priority. Don’t accuse him of cheating on you based only on assumption though. Look for signs and confront him if you have a hunch.
How Do You Motivate a Lazy Husband?
There’s no magic pill that can turn your lazy husband into the affectionate and enthusiastic person you want him to be. But, that doesn’t mean you should give up on him or your marriage. Let’s see how you can urge your lazy husband to put more work into the marriage.
Communication Is the Key
If there’s an all-purpose approach to solve almost all marital issues, that’s open communication between the spouses. Have a conversation to express how his lazy behavior is making you feel alone in your marriage. Suggest ways to make you feel supported and loved.
Ask him if there’s something that is holding him from being more present in the marriage. Don’t get angry or confrontational. Remember that he is the ally who can make all your resentments go away if you can make him understand your feelings precisely.
See also: Why does my husband ignore me?
Sometimes your husband just needs a little nudge to start acting the way you need him. Be proactive and plan a date night rather than waiting for him to take you out. If you’re too busy to dress up and go to a fancy restaurant, cook his favorite dinner or order takeaway. Ask him how his day was and tell him about yours even if he doesn’t ask.
If you think he’s being lazy because he doesn’t text you first to check on you, why don’t you text him to let him know that you’re thinking of him? If he constantly forgets to reply to your texts talk to him and make him understand why it’s so important for you to stay connected and how it can change the dynamic of your relationship. If they feel pressured to always be on your beck and call, it tends to be counterproductive.
Thank Him More Often
It’s easier to point out your husband’s mistakes and blame him for everything he doesn’t do rather than appreciating him for the things he does for the family. If you want him to start working toward a better marriage, start acknowledging his efforts. Thank him for the things he does even if he should have been doing much more than that.
They say husbands are like wine. They take a long time to mature. Be patient with him while he learns how to stop being the lazy husband he is now. Don’t nag him to get him to become more engaged right away. It won’t work and will make him resentful toward you. Rather be his best friend and deal with him compassionately while he works on himself.
Don’t Stoop to His Level
It’s easy to feel demotivated to put into the effort for someone who doesn’t do the same for you. But, doing that will only hurt your marriage and make your lazy husband lazier. Don’t let your standards slip. Instead, choose to lead by example. Be the person you want him to be, only better. Also, make sure that he has to live with the consequences when he acts lazy.
Star going out with your friends and taking care of yourself instead of always waiting to spend time with him. Don’t push him away while you’re at it. Flirt with him occasionally. Try to look nice for him like you used to when you first started going out. Teach him your love language. Maybe he doesn’t know how you’d like to be loved and that’s making you believe that your husband is lazy when he’s just ignorant about your needs.
Set Realistic Expectations
When life gets in the way of a romantic and happy marriage, setting reasonable expectations from your husband will help you deal with him better. Sometimes it’s not his laziness that’s stopping him from being the romantic guy he was before your baby was born or he got that big promotion. Doesn’t matter how much he wants to, sometimes his jampacked schedule won’t allow him to take you on the vacation you’ve been planning for months.
Be supportive when he is caught up in these responsibilities rather than complaining that you never see him anymore. How about you stop expecting him to be a mind reader and tell him what you want from him? Don’t expect him to always make the wildly romantic gestures that you see in movies. Accept him for who he is and stop trying to change him to become perfect.
With your unending love and unwavering commitment to each other, you can weather any storm that comes your way. Be patient to figure out the problems and work together as a team. Gradually you’ll see your lazy husband becoming the man of your dreams.