I’m thrilled when people ask about how to be more affectionate to my husband. It’s paying attention to the (seemingly) small details like this can add so much to your marriage. It doesn’t take a lot of affection to snowball into other areas of your marriage in a very positive way.
Being affectionate doesn’t have to mean an ‘R’ rated Hollywood movie scene. It’s all about making your partner feel wanted. To some people, it comes naturally. For others, it takes a conscious effort to be able to show their affection. We’ll delve into the reasons why you might face difficulty showing affection to your husband.
Life gets in the way, work keep us occupied, we struggle with our inner demons and insecurities. There’s a good chance that you’re just going through a rough patch because of these issues. I’ll teach you how to work your way through them and become the most affectionate wife to your loving man.
Why Can’t I Show Affection to My Husband?
Since knowing your problems is half the battle, I’ll shed some light on the probable causes that might be keeping you from showing affection to your husband. Let’s cut to the chase. Answer these questions to figure out the issue first. I’ll then offer a protip for each of them so that you can get ahead of them.
How’s Your Mental Health?
Are you stressed, overworked, and sleep-deprived? Dealing with mental health issues? It’s normal not to be able to show enough affection to your partner when you’re dealing with depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder. If you have kids, are they keeping you on your toes the whole day? Exhaustion makes it difficult to feel the urge to initiate intimacy.
Protip: Find some time just to de-stress. Spending time in self-care will allow you to be more emotionally available around your husband. When you emotionally connect with him, physical intimacy will follow.
Is Your Work-life Balance Off?
Are you bringing work home with you? Is your job keeping you preoccupied that you barely see your husband these days? When you’re finally having dinner together do you leave the table to answer a work call? If you have said yes to one or all of these questions, you need to reassess your work-life balance. That might be the culprit in your love life. With having so much on your plate, you unintentionally stop showing affection to your husband.
It’s perfectly normal for there to be ebbs and flows with this kind of thing. I’ve looked at the hardest years of marriage in more detail before and often the earlier years are also the hardest in your professional life as well. You’ll have days where you’re both just a little off or tired and that’s perfectly fine. It’s when it becomes a consistent problem that we have to really do something about it.
Protip: Prioritise your marriage and know when to call the quits. Leave work on time and don’t bring work home frequently. If you work from home set a workplace and when you leave that, be fully present with your spouse.
Note: These are (of course) all general things. If you haven’t already, make sure you take the marriage assessment quiz. That way we’re focusing on your marriage and the real areas you need to focus on.
Was There a Traumatic Event?
Sometimes a person’s inability to express affection is a result of their past traumatic experiences. It can be a repercussion of childhood abuse or trauma from past relationships. This makes them scared to be emotionally vulnerable and physically intimate.
Their trauma prevents them from lowering down the wall they’ve built over the years to keep themselves safe. Did something like that happen to you? Did you adopt this approach of not showing affection as a coping mechanism?
Protip: Communicate with your partner. Tell him about it and get professional help to heal from the wound that you’ve been carrying around.
Are You Getting the Affection You Need?
Without some degree of mutual affection, trust, and respect, both partners end up bitter and distant. It’s a two-way street and you need to have your needs met in order to be more affectionate toward your husband. Does he only show affection in the bedroom?
Is it nothing but a prelude to sexual stimulation to him? If he isn’t into cuddling, never kisses you without any agenda, or you never get a hug out of nowhere, it might leave you reluctant to show affection to him as well.
Protip: Be proactive and show him how you’d like to be intimate. Kiss him the moment he gets home. Hug him just because you wanted to. Let him learn how to show affection to you.
Has He Hurt You Badly?
Did he do something that broke your heart? Was it an affair? Did he promise to do something but didn’t? Whatever it is that he did or didn’t to break your heart might have left a scar. Every time you try to walk past it and be romantic with him, do you keep having flashbacks? You’ve been making efforts to get back to where you were but can’t manage to be affectionate like before.
Protip: Talk to your spouse openly about it and ask for genuine remorse. Tell him that it’s not just a sorry or extravagant gift that you need from him. It’s an acknowledgment of the pain he’s caused you and the effort to ease your pain. Try couples counseling if you can’t get over it by yourself.
Do You Feel Uncomfortable Around Him?
Sometimes we struggle to feel secure and confident around the people we love. The reasons behind it can be related to body image issues or lack of self-esteem. It affects how you feel about yourself and makes you self-conscious around your partner which prevents you from being affectionate toward him. Showing affection requires a certain extent of vulnerability and courage.
Protip: Believe that your spouse will love you regardless of your weight or size. Focus on what you like about your body instead of berating yourself for not being able to shed the extra pounds fast enough. Make sure you eat healthily and take care of yourself to feel more confident in your own skin while you embrace your body in its entirety.
How Can I Be More Affectionate to My Husband?
Note: I’m going to go over some general ideas on how to show more
You don’t need exotic places or extravagant swaggers to show him your affection and love. I’m going to show you a few places to start. Don’t hesitate to add your own and be creative.
Plan Date Nights Often.
When you two don’t have much time to spend together anymore, it’s natural to feel distant. since that’s not ideal, try to plan regular date nights where you can spend uninterrupted time with your husband. Look sexy for him. Look him in the eye. Kiss him passionately.
If you can’t go out to a fancy restaurant, order takeouts and watch your favorite movie together. Regular date nights will not only reignite the sparks in your relationship but also make you two more appreciative of each other. It’ll remind you of what drew you to two closer when you two first fell in love. It’ll help you both feel more intimate; both physically and emotionally.
Tell him how manly he looks in that grey suit or white shirt. Catch him off-guard when he just got out of the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist. Check him out. Kiss him for a good few seconds. If you aren’t late for work, that can lead to you two being physically affectionate.
These gestures will make him feel valued and appreciated. Nobody can give his self-worth a better boost than your kind words. When you are the reason behind your spouse’s improved self-esteem, he can certainly sense your effort in showing love and affection. It’ll make him reciprocate as well.
Be Flirty and Funny.
So you want to show more affection to your man? Instead of sitting here and asking yourself questions like ‘how to be more affectionate to my husband’ or ‘what is the right way of loving my husband’, remind yourself of the happy-go-lucky girl that you were when he met you. You’re already endowed with everything he needs from a partner.
It’s possible that evolved into a busy mom who is a whole different person than you were before having the kids, understandably so. Bring back all those playful banter you both enjoyed. Wear the dress he got you for your anniversary and ask him out on a date. Laugh at his jokes like before. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you should stop being silly.
Touch Him More
Don’t undervalue the power of physical touch. Touch has been proved to reduce stress and alleviate pain. Your affectionate touch can intensify the bonding and attachment you two share. Studies show there’s a positive correlation between physical intimacy and overall well-being. So touching him more will result in a more enduring romantic relationship.
Touch his face. Hold his hands while walking side by side, watching a movie or football match. Keep your hands on his knees while he’s driving. Make time to make love. Don’t let life get in the way of a more meaningful relationship. Put cuddling on top of your to-do list if necessary. Rub his back. Don’t hold back while showering him with love.
Give Him Respect.
I keep saying this all the time. The best aphrodisiac for a man is respect. I know what you’re thinking. You’ve always been nothing but respectful toward your man. But, have you? Your constructive criticism doesn’t really feel constructive to him. It feels embarrassing, deprecating, and condemning to him.
Be his best friend and treat him with kindness and love. Thank him more often for always being there for you and the family. Eliminate the negative blocks of condemnation and constant bickering. Don’t be all ‘I told you so’ when he blunders. Be there for him and see how your marriage gets more satisfying.
Turn up the Heat in Your Marriage.
What do I mean by that? Buy new lingerie. Dress up nice just for him. If you’ve been married for a long time and have kids, that doesn’t have to make your sex life stale. Spice it up with toys if he likes it.
Find out his deepest fantasy and play along. As long as you both are comfortable, adding a little sparkle in the bedroom is a great way to show him affection. Tease him and turn him on more often.
When he is away for a work trip, try sexting. It doesn’t have to be X-rated. I’m talking about hinting your husband that you’re thinking about the last time you had passionate sex. Also, you can’t wait for him to get home and touch him again. Doing this will make him feel desired and loved. When I looked at sexting as cheating I was surprised to see how many people worried about their husband doing it with another woman, yet had never tried it themselves.
Communicate and Learn His Love Language.
If you feel like there’s a wall building up between you two, talk to him. Ask him if he’s feeling the same. Get to know about what kind of affection he craves the most. Does he want you to be a more active listener?
Is it a kiss before leaving for work? An affirmation? More respect? More physical touch? It’s always better to have an intimate conversation rather than guessing what he’d want. Follow his leads. That way his needs will be met and he’ll be able to meet yours better.
To build a shatterproof relationship, you both need to put your spouse’s needs ahead of your own. Work on whatever is stopping you from creating the best relationship you could possibly have to have a more intimate and blissful marriage.