You may feel silly looking for conversation starters for married couples. You used to do it in high school so that you could chat up your crush, remember? Well, don’t be embarrassed. When you have been married for a long time, it may be quite difficult for you to find new things to talk about. You looking for conversation starters is not uncommon at all!
Eventually, many marriages run out of things to talk about. This mainly occurs because couples stop doing new things together that may lead to them having meaningful conversations. The worst part of all this is that small talk is a necessary first step if you want to have deeper conversations with your spouse. As such, using conversation starters can be a great way to get your communication back on track.
We will be taking a different philosophy to other conversation starter posts here. Instead of just mentioning some conversation starters that you can use, we will be telling you how to generate conversation naturally. Don’t worry, we will also mention a few useful phrases that can help you in a pinch.
Tips on Increasing Couples Conversation
If you’re maybe feeling your marriage start to drift a little (or perhaps you’ve seen some definite warning signs) the quicker you act, the better. Take the marriage assessment quiz and we’ll figure out where you are and what you can do to get your marriage back on track.
It is somewhat easy when you first meet a new person to make conversation. Simply talk about them so that you can get to know who they are, and vice versa. It is also easy to talk about your future plans when things are starting to get serious in a relationship.
The trouble starts usually after you have been married for a few years. Couples often find out that they usually do not have nearly as much in common as they initially thought. Also, the interests of both the husband and the wife may change as they get older. When the two spend less time with one another, they may not be fully aware of how their partner has changed.
Here are a few fixes if your marriage is suffering from the aforementioned problems:
Do New Things Together
In order to talk about new things, you first need to experience new things. In fact, it will be extremely easy to discuss events after they have happened if you do them together.
It is extremely common in couples that do not talk to each other a lot to not spend time with each other as well. Even if they do spend time together, they do so in a routine. For example, they may have breakfast and dinner together and go to their child’s soccer game on the weekends.
If you are doing the same things week in, week out, how do you expect to have new things to talk about? It is important for you to try new things. Even if only one of you is excited about it, the other should go along once to see if they enjoy it. It could be a hobby such as joining a book club, or it could be anything else like a sport that you both find interesting.
Do Not Make Conversation Just For The Sake of It
What a lot of couples tend to do when they are stuck looking for words is just randomly blurt out whatever comes to their mind, thinking that some conversation is better than no conversation.
However, I do not think that boring your partner should be the end goal of your conversation starters. Instead, talk to your partner about things that may matter to you both. It doesn’t even have to relate to the two of you. Simply make note of something interesting when you see it during your day, and try to discuss it with your spouse during the evening.
For example, you could make note of an interesting piece of news (for example, a new education law that may change the quality of education that your child receives). Discussing this law, its impact, and what you will do in each possible scenario will help the two of you connect a lot better than asking ‘Did Alan have fun at school today?’.
Use my ‘5 Questions’
Time and time again I refer couples to my 5 real questions that can save a marriage. I will not go into detail here as you can read through them yourself. These questions are designed in a way that encourages discussion between married couples.
You can also combine this point with the previous one. Each question that you ask your spouse should serve a purpose. A simple tip is that if your spouse can answer your question in a single sentence, the question that you asked was not good enough.
How to Integrate Conversation Starters Into Your Marriage
Now that you know how you can come up with some useful conversation starters, let’s take a look at a few ways you can easily begin using them.
Pick a Specific Time
Personally, I think this approach works best. If both you and your partner are on the same page and want to improve the way you communicate, it is best to do it at a specific time.
The evening is usually the best time for this. Either both of you will be working during the day, or your kids will find a way to interrupt the flow. It is important that the two of you are not interrupted during this time. In fact, I would suggest that the two of you turn your phones off.
The duration itself should not be too short. Aim for at least 15 minutes. Similarly, the duration should not be too long either (especially at the start). You probably need time to process your conversations. Start with fifteen minutes and increase it on a daily basis until you hit your sweet spot.
Or Pick a Day
This is a great strategy, but it can only work for specific couples. Those that have to be on call at their jobs (e.g. doctors) or those who have busy kids (e.g. in sports leagues and extracurricular activities) may not be able to use this method. However, if you can find a way to do make it work, this is highly effective.
Essentially, pick a day in a week where the two of you spend the vast majority of the day with each other. While not necessary, sex should also be on the cards here.
If you are having trouble making conversation, chances are that your marriage as a whole may not be the best it has ever been. Spending time together may help fix this problem.
What if my Spouse Can’t be Bothered?
I have previously discussed a situation like this from the point of view of a wife. Specifically, what to do when your husband does not want to spend time with you. Regardless of whether you are an eager husband or a hopeful wife, the basic principles for igniting your spouse’s interest in the marriage are the same.
Generally, this represents a much deeper problem in your marriage. Instead of looking for conversation starters, you should first look for that problem. Once you have fixed it, maybe you will find that conversation now comes to the two of you naturally?
At this point, couples should ideally seek outside help. A trained professional’s perspective can be a great tool for dissecting the faults in your relationship. He or she can also give you pointers on how to fix the problems that the two of you have.
Examples of Conversation Starters For Married Couples
Now, we are going to look at some specific examples of conversation starters that you can use. Although these should get you talking to your spouse, remember that your marriage is unique. If you want a meaningful relationship with your spouse, you must come up with conversations that are relatable to both of you.
Here are three lines you can use, along with why they work.
If You Could Have a Perfect Vacation, What Would You do?
This line is great because not only will it get you and your spouse talking, but it may also reveal some hidden interests of your spouse. For example, they may reveal a previously unknown hobby (as they would surely want to do that on their perfect vacation).
You can use this information not only to plan your next vacation but also your next gift ideas. Of course, your conversation may not go exactly like this. However, chances are that you will learn something new about your spouse.
What is Your Happiest Moment From Our Relationship?
Getting your spouse to reminisce about the gold old times is never a bad idea. Talking about a time when things were perfect should help the two of you make a greater effort to return to those times.
If your marriage is going through a rough patch, there are many things that you can do. Talking about the golden days when both of you were happy may remind the two of you that things were perfect once, and they can be perfect again.
When Did You Truly Believe That I Was in Love With You?
This one is great! It will tell you precisely the things that you did that made your spouse feel loved. As such, it is one of the easiest ways to receive pointers from your spouse on how to love them without directly asking for them.
Once you know what your spouse wants from you, they may ask you the same thing. This can help both of you understand each other much better than you did before. Slowly doing the same things that made you initially fall in love is bound to help your marriage.