These are real questions to ask a spouse to save your marriage. Questions you can ask every day and (just as importantly) how to ask them.
It sounds like a broken record to say but communication is key. Asking your spouse these questions won’t automatically save your marriage but it can open up further communication which is what you really need.
When Communication Dies
One of the reasons that many marriages break down is due to a lack of communication. You’re afraid to tackle the big issues or perhaps your daily conversation has become stagnated. Some couples can go for days without having a meaningful conversation.
It can be difficult to admit there is a problem and adopt a different approach. Here we take a look at the type of questions you need to be asking. This includes daily questions to get the conversation flowing as well as bigger questions if you have deeper issues.
Hopefully, these questions will help to give you a much healthier relationship and save your marriage.
The questions I’m going to cover here are useful and can certainly help, but if you’d like something a bit more specific to your marriage then click here and take the marriage assessment quiz. The more specific we can be to your marriage the quicker we can get things back on track.
Questions to Ask Your Spouse Everyday
Let’s start off with the wrong way to do it.
“How are you?”
“Fine thanks, you?”
“How was work?”
These are types of conversations that many couples end up having. They are meaningless and don’t look at any deeper issues. The natural instinct is just to say “fine” or “good” without even thinking out it.
These are closed questions that don’t give much opportunity for conversation outside of the emotionless complaints about our day-to-day life.
You might have heard me say before life gets in the way of love. Communication is one of the first things to suffer this, but it can also be one of the easier ones to bring back.
This can leave issues unresolved and a better way of doing it can be to ask more specific questions that require your spouse to think about it.
Note: Don’t run through these questions like a checklist. The entire point of the questions is for you to start an actual conversation. Actively listen to the responses or they’ll easily backfire.
The goal is to lead to further conversation.
“Did anything good happen today?”
This is an example of a positive question that requires a positive answer. It immediately opens up the conversation to the better parts of your day. Not only that, but it also shows to your spouse that you’re interested in what’s happened in their day.
If your spouse has had a bad day that’s perfectly fine too. Let them vent but there’s a key difference here compared to ‘how was your day‘. It’s a less standard question that will get them to pause a second and search for something positive.
It’s an invitation to talk.
“What made you excited today?”
This one is similar to the first and we use it for much the same reasons.
Everyone is passionate about something and this taps into that. It could be that they made a big sale at work, their sports team signed a good player or they are looking forward to the weekend. Again, it is positive and promotes healthy conversation.
“Is there anything you struggled with today?”
Positive questions are great but we all know that life isn’t easy. Asking a question such as this allows your spouse to open up about their problems. This helps to get something off their chest such as having a bad day at work or something bugging them.
Much like the first two questions, it’s an invitation to allow your spouse to vent their frustrations of the day but it’s still an open question.
“What’s the best thing I could do for you today?”
There’s more subtlety to this one than you might think at first glance.
It’s a question that helps to stop things from being bottled up. It’s one of the best questions to ask your spouse to save the marriage and it’s so simple.
We all commonly say things like ‘can I help with that?‘ or try to do things for each other without being asked. Asking what the best thing you could do for them allows them to not only give you a way to help but highlights the things you already do for your spouse.
This is a very open question but one that gets your spouse thinking. Maybe they need some alone time, chill and watch a movie or perhaps they’ll want you to talk to you about how they are feeling.
“Is there anything stressing you out at work or home?”
This is a fairly specific question and allows them to get anything off their chest. This includes those minor issues at home that can become bigger problems if they’re not addressed. It can help to clear the air and make everyone feel better.
Much like the last question, it helps prevent things from becoming bottled up and coming out as passive aggression later on.
Push for Regular Conversations
These questions can be a great starting block to restarting your marriage and getting the conversation flowing once again. You can use the exact wording or any variation of them. The important thing is that you start talking more than usual.
What If They Still Won’t Talk?
When I wrote the guide on husbands refusing to talk about problems I got this question a lot.
These are useful questions and I really do think they can help but they’re not magic. If your marriage was struggling with communication they won’t (in themselves) make everything instantly better overnight. It’s going to take time and consistency.
- Take the Lead. It might not feel fair that you’re the one who has to do all the heavy lifting but sometimes that’s what marriage takes. Use these questions to keep creating conversation until it becomes an equal balance again.
- Try to put yourself in their shoes. If you’ve been going through a rough patch they might not be quite there yet. They might not be ready to put their ego aside and be the ones to actively carry a conversation.
- Don’t stop. These questions (and building your conversation skills in general) take consistency.
Common Questions Marriage Counselors Ask
There are a lot of different ways to save your marriage and I know not everybody likes the idea of talking to a marriage counselor.
One of the reasons that marriage counseling can be so effective is that the counselor will ask questions that you may usually be too scared to ask yourself. Whether they ask or you summon up the nerve yourself, these questions can be very blunt and used with care but they’re certainly a step up from ‘How was your day?’
“What are our main issues?”
You need to find the root cause of the issue. This is a question that requires complete honesty and you need to put all your cards out onto the table. Answers such as “you don’t seem to care about me anymore”, “we never spend any time together”, “you expect me to do everything”, and “there’s no intimacy anymore” are common and give you indications that your problems can be solved.
“Are we just going through a bad phase?”
Sometimes life gets in the way and you can get distracted from your relationship. Perhaps your husband or wife is having a hard time at work and is not able to forget about it once they get home. Many people can snap out of a bad phase with a little more effort and communication.
“What bothers you about me?”
This can reveal suspicions and suppressed thoughts which can often be easily addressed. An answer such as “I think you’re having an affair” can attack an issue head-on and get it resolved quickly. Other answers may include your spouse thinking you don’t care about their day.
“Do you trust me?”
Trust is vital for any relationship and if it’s not there, you have a huge issue. If the answer is no, then you need to find out why. “You never talk to me”, “you hide things from me” and “you stay out all night without me” are answers that can show a partner that they are neglecting the relationship.
“Are you happy with our sex life?”
It can be awkward to talk about sex, even with your own partner. Sex life can suffer for a wide number of reasons and there’s a good chance you both feel the same way about it. There are many solutions to be found as maybe you need to dedicate more time to each other or find some time away from the kids.
“Do you want to work things out? Why?”
If you want to stay together then find out why? You fell in love for a reason and you want to get back to that. This question can remind both parties why you get married in the first place. It can also remind you of the things that you used to do and how you need to do them more.
“What does the future look like to you?”
Do you see a future together? If so, how can you work towards that? What needs to change to make that future into a reality? If they don’t see a future with you it’s often because they think that things won’t change. This question can give you a plan of how you can work towards a healthier future.
“What can we change?”
If your partner isn’t happy then you want to ask them specifically what you can do to improve it. There is usually a wide range of steps you can take. Ask them specifically what they want from you and how you can make your relationship stronger.
“Do you want a divorce?”
This is a huge question but sometimes it needs to be asked. Whether the answer is yes or no, you need to know why. If it’s a yes, then work out why they feel that way and if there is anything you can do to avoid it. If it’s a no, then see why they want it to continue and build on that. There’s plenty you can change if the answer is “I still love you, but . . .” and you need to work on that.
How Do I Convince My Spouse to Save Our Marriage?
If you know, or think, that your spouse wants to end the marriage then you need to think about the root cause of the issue. Once you know the root cause of the issue then you can work on the steps needed to convince them to give it more time.
If your spouse doesn’t feel loved, valued or appreciated then these are clear signs that you can fix your marriage by putting in more effort. A promise that you’ll improve your communication can go a long way to convince them to stay.
Often all you need to do is remind them of the reasons you fell in love in the first place and get back to them. Think about the way you acted when you were both madly in love. How much time did you spend together? How often did you go out on a date? Did you listen more to their feelings? What did you do for your spouse back then?
Answering these questions can often show you how things have changed and what you can do to turn back the clock. If your spouse is feeling unloved then you can tell them what your plan is to be happy together once again.
The bottom line is that things have to change. Are you willing to put the effort in? if so, then explain to your spouse what is going to change and how you’re going to change it. Communication is king and if you start asking the right questions, then there is no reason why you can’t fix your marriage.
Once you’ve improved your communication then it’s important to make sure it doesn’t slip. This is a constant effort the two of you will have to make but you won’t always be the one to do the heavy lifting.