Marriage Advice For Men
Marriage Advice For Men
have the most significant relationship you’ll ever have in your life be deeply richly rewarding and satisfying and really the question is how to be the husband your wife adores you have a woman that adores you your life is good I mean you are overwhelmed with feelings of great joy satisfaction bliss happiness and love this woman and she adores you I love that wooden door and so tonight I’m gonna kick this off I haven’t done a teaching on marriage before I’ve done someone you know getting started once she first arrives and cultural adjustments and some basics but I want to kick this off I think it’s important because this is your ultimate goal so Authority in your head you’ve got some great things you can do to be that man that she’s just gonna adore you for life it’s what it’s all about so let’s get into it all right how to be the husband it’ll wipe the doors in I’m suiting the introduction we’re going to talk about your domestic life your work life your community life your minds and emotions together your intimacy and I’m gonna kick right off into the introduction I want this is the quote from me the whole thing started off my journey to find a wife overseas as I was traveling and I’m sure a lot of you guys who travel in at some point to you when you’re over there you’re interacting with people and you realize how women overseas are just different they’re more feminine softer in some ways they’re attentive they like they actually like glued on you it’s like you’re the center of attention it’s a very different experience is wonderful these aren’t in these these women are brilliant like my wife why Oakland that was from Ukraine in they’re always in the top ten literacy countries of the world whereas I think the US is somewhere near 32 so I mean these are very educated women but that they just love being women and so I spent some time when I would overseas at first in Latin America in Brazil and after I came home just from having spent one and a half days with one of the ladies there I just said I want to wake up every day with a woman in my dreams like this not just on a vacation and so that kicked off you know my desire so I believe in marriage I believe in the idea of marriage because I believe you can have that feeling that that joy the desire somebody attractive somebody the attentive that just emotionally brings your life is I didn’t have it every day for the rest of your life you know and and so that’s that’s what started my whole journey off who’s this son a loving wife yet to beauty to everything she touches you know again and I feel like I’m having to sell marriage to you guys but I want you understand more over 10 years been married over 10 years now and my wife is just everything she does as beauty and color and Grace and life energy to us and that’s what a good wife does it the relationship between the two of you love should be effortless and comfortable it’s like two people who’ve known each other all their lives this is how he described it my coaching to the guy see they’re like how do I know I found a one and I go it’ll be like this all of a sudden the tension the nervous energy of dating just kind of goes away it’s like you’ve known this person all your life and that’s what I have always described our married couples is that everybody says it’s just so comfortable together it’s obviously just a natural fit in and so when you’re dating if you don’t get to that point where the two you’re just so comfortable together you just gotta wait see if it settles into that or not but you know definitely before before you get married don’t get married unless you have someone you just feel like you’ve known each other all your like you’re just comfortable together when you love a person you love everything about them and little things don’t bother you this is where I you know in American psychology they’ll talk about the honeymoon period because they just believe everybody eventually is gonna crash and burn and these wonderful feelings of love will go away I don’t believe they have to and so I’m going to talk a little bit about that tonight but I’ll have more teaching on that as well as a teaching I’ve done on redefining relationships just complete paradigm shift things we’ve learned from our multinational marriages that help perpetuate this but one of the things it reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Vince Lombardi the Packers football coach of the day you know he used to say you know what when you’re winning nothing hurts but when you’re losing everything hurts yeah I think it’s a little bit like that too when you’re when you’re in love to this person and you’re just sharing this energy and you’re feeding off of it and you feel this energy that she adores you it’s like it just covers so many things and it does for her too you know in the two you’re you don’t have these feelings of oneness together and in this cycle I’m gonna give you an example here so in the cycle of life giving energy in a healthy relationship it is like that of sex in this and this I got this from from dr: Glover this week as I’m going through some of his material on no more mr. nice guy you’re familiar with that book from long ago he wrote it but he talks about that this life giving energy you know of intimacy that the man comes yeah you know end into the woman but out of her then she produces life meaning babies but there’s a metaphorical thing in the emotional energy of a healthy relationship where you’re you’re giving so much but out of her you’re giving should birth in her something some energy that restores and renews and refreshes you and it’s a new energy and new life that’s fresh and new and into its the cycle of yeah you give to your wife you protect her you want to provide for lead in a lot of ways but at the same time you it glows out of her and creates and births a new thing that bring that restores you and I’m gonna I’ll give an example here later on as I get into the teaching finally marriage is a relationship with yourself you just simply discovered that you’ve always been to people and that’s why I’m going to talk about this the nature of this creating oneness and and unity and it goes back you know ancient times right it’s a Bible in the book of Genesis says you know the two shall become one mmm let’s talk about how this relationship works in your domestic life first of all and first of all you have to understand that now you have a common life and this is what I like about the concept of oneness if you haven’t heard the talk that I did on redefining relationships the one of the key points there is that the International concept of relationship is not like it is domestically in the Western nations of the world where we believe in having a light partnership and so all the the professional counselors are trained on how to get to people in room treat them equally and then you know you should fall but like okay why don’t you express you know your frustrations to him and and okay now okay have you heard your wife can you repeat back to her what you think she said so he made sure she feels hurt on you okay great now why don’t you tell her what frustrates you okay oh yeah can you repeat the back you know what could you do this for him and could you do this for her and that would make you all happy and the problem of that is that it’s a negotiation it becomes like a contract like a business relationship right in it but the problem is nobody can 100% keep it up all the time we’re human we’re flawed and so somebody you know comes a share a hair off of their deal and the other person feels cheap hey I did my part you didn’t do your part so you know it inherently the counseling and coaching system in the West it destroys relationships it takes it out of that feeling of love of that feeling of like you know when you’re just adored by someone you give that life energy to somebody else in it recycles back to you you know where that nothing hurts you know they you overlook all ills and it just kills it so as soon as that’s why they call it a honeymoon phase because as soon as you have any conflict Western philosophy and relationships anything kids that and now you go into marriage which nobody wants nobody you know it’s the kind you’ve seen around you you know by the way I’ll do this survey right now I’ve done this numbers of time and if I was in a different format I do a live survey here to show it but I’ve done this live survey thing before grass guys in the audience analyze ask you right now think about all of the married couples you know right now oh I mean with your parents to be people your church family people at work everybody’s married get them in your mind can just randomly just don’t bump up okay married people like there’d be all right now having those here answer this question for me of all the marriages you know how many users are just so amazing you’re envious guy wish relationship Jessa how many would you say just right now where you want think about it all those marriages how many are so awesome you’re jealous you’re like and I hope I have one one that’s you know every time I’ve done this survey it’s fairly consistently 2/3 between 63 65 % of all those that I serve they come back and say 0 or 1 0 or 1 and so it’s like where are the role models how do you even know what a good marriage looks like and and so today when we come to you as dream connections we’ll say look we’ve been doing this eight years we’ve learned things about why multinational marriage is actually are an amazing fit between people we’ve we boil it down dissected it you know reverse engineered it and kind out the reasons why and so because that we can pass that along to you and out of the eight years we’ve been doing this way over two hundred forty minute women married to engaged no divorces and so to me you have to say well you guys are doing something different and and so those things we are but the fundamental one of the fundamentals is it’s a different mindset so instead of that that Western philosophy of negotiated relationships screw that that’s death by the way it’s debt if you’re ever in a relationship and you get into sort of a handshake thing all right I’ll do this if you do that and there are times to share and I’m going to my next bullet point actually talk about how and when you do that that does work within this model but a negotiated relationship if that’s the core for your understanding between each other is doomed for frustration in in and of itself so what is this idea of a common life having mine well see when you go overseas they talk about something different they talk about looking to have on their half and it comes from the Greek legend you know where humans were split and separated across the world and they spend the rest life trying to come reunit us the idea of a man and woman the Bible concept you know the tutor shall now become one flesh and it reflects in so many waves in life so let’s talk about it right now because this is one of the things that’s very very different it’s going to help you create one of those things for life first of all as a common entity you get together until you talk about what you want your relationship to be like what you want your marriage to be like what has to be done and and so what happens is obviously we talked about you know many ladies overseas carry what I call traditional values and that’s you know they have such a work ethic they love being women they you know they have respect for the children the elderly there’s just so many traditional values to them and often in our mindsets become this thing that means they’re you know cookers and cleaners too and a lot of they’re very well skilled in those things you know but but don’t necessarily assume that that has to be permanently attached to them and I want to explain one if you two together come up with an idea what you want your life to be about and maybe part of that is you know for you as a man to finish your education or something you know maybe she goes and helps financially for a while you know while you’re finishing that and then then you come back but it won’t matter to you because you’re one entity and you together want to have this life you’re building and so whether you do this or she does that is really irrelevant what you’ve done is created a common vision for how you want to be together what you want your life to look like and domestically with the house you wanna get what it what all the things you want to do you come up with a common vision that all you’re doing as one entity is just seeing okay well how can I do this what can I do this and how that plays out is if you break away from gender stereotypes this sounds opposite I know you guys think well March talking about tradition of eyes doesn’t traditional I mean she has to cook and clean and that’s the woman’s job it’s not it it’s not about the woman’s job or the man’s job you know it’s about completing completing the the tasks you need to accomplish what you both decided and so here’s what plays out if you know my story when I first met my wife I had a computer leasing company I was doing very well boe and then I met my wife in 2006 we married in 2007 guess what happened in 2008 that’s right the economic crash and so within two years that entire business just dwindled went away from five and half million to about 250,000 and I was I was a commissioned distributor so my percentage on that was like not livable and so lost the 4,500 square foot allisonlegg ending you know gated community all this stuff you’re just the income properties I had everything was gone and she jumped up right away and so honey you know you’re an entrepreneur go figure out your next business let me go to work for a while and and and in limine for a while and then and then you figured out don’t believe an hourly job just you know what not what’s your next thing go find the big thing and she wanted to bless me would give me an opportunity to pursue my dreams so I get to work for about four years on Paramount Studios a lot trying manage writing business plans for indie film companies and trying to get that whole thing going in and this little dream conscious thing just took off in 2011 2011 and continued to grow but I wasn’t weirded out by it you know what I mean I wasn’t weirded oh my gosh she’s working now you know and then I’m not the one working it we have a common vision for we wanted to do together and we adjusted financial things happen and you just adjust it you just okay what do we want to look like now and we got together and did it so as much as you know you do go find some with traditional values the truth is you’re going to become a different kind of an entity an inch wonderful it’s tremendously wonderful my next point is then just support each other whatever roles you are support each other so you know my wife getting up at 1: 00 in the morning I mean my god bless her she comes home and you know whatever else I’m doing little things I can for her as well and of course you know as destiny turned out all these things worked out and blessed us but always behaved in consideration with with her wishes and desires so talk about it together what do you want to do you know how do you think of this lead I always suggest leading you know come out and say hey here’s a here’s some ideas well this is kind of some vision I think what do you think and you know let her have a chance to respond to it and if there’s something personal she wants to do listen to it you know and I go back to simple things that we as men just were kind of dumped sometimes I think that even the wedding plan idea I wanted to do this for her just kind of package up manager she’s she’s just kind of wait this is the wedding day can I have this one is that okay you know it’s you know I nothing personal honey I love you but you know and I go yeah that’s why this is kind of your day and so one of the things I want to point out right here this has got me one of the most difficult aspects a growth personal growth and change for men who never been married before and I’ve done surveys a past demographically of our audience here and of you guys and 60% of our guys have never been married before and obviously we get a lot of guys in 20s and 30s and make sense I get a guy 50 there would be married before and and he’s happier than can be and he instigated his questions he’s like okay help me out here you know this woman’s pouring yourself out to me I don’t even know what to do to help her to pour myself back into her and you know and so with that you know the hard part is you’ve never had to think about anybody else before when you made a decision you can just go do it why who do you have to answer to you’re a single guy do whatever you want now you have this person and now everything you do you’re one whatever you do reflects on her okay and and so now you have to make sure okay we I’m about to do this how does that affect her this you know at least bring her in the loop okay and have a conversation either feel involved and and that’s hard for you never had to do it before you’ve never been married before so make a mental note yourself never been married before your number one problem is going to be in your marriage especially in your early years is behaving in consideration or her wishes and desires because she’s half she’s your half and you wanted to feel involved you wanted to feel connected you wanted to feel like she’s part of this not like she’s a tag along okay um talk about your work life and and obviously I’m giving you the 30,000 foot picture of marriage coaching here I mean what I can do in 40 minutes you know doesn’t scratch it what this does scratch actually I think it’s a pretty good scratch ranch but obviously I can go deeper in any of these topics and perhaps and well the first of all have respect for each other’s jobs here’s a mistake guys make when we do have ego is that we we have this tendency to think that one of our careers is more important than the other now strategically as a family deciding what you want to do is your vision you know one maybe lifeblood and the others bonus financially in the big picture but in terms of respect I’ll never forget this the guy met Mike Moore married to Kyra and she was a doctor in st: Petersburg when she came over she you know she was she wasn’t back to zero her her education transferred but to become a practicing physician California she had to go back to her board certifications or whatever stalkers have to do and so he had about twenty four income properties that totally covered his needs so he basically he was a do it yourself guy so he’d spent his day going out fixing pipes and repairing this on his properties and and making his income and and she was working at what at then at that time it’s called a Kinkos you know today it’s Fed. Ex Office or something but you know see here she is this woman who was a doctor in st: Petersburg is now doing customer counter work at a Kinkos and but you know with this they didn’t care they they’ve just going with you both needing to do they wanted to do for the vision they had for their family and for her that was a smart thing to do in fact he says it was brilliant because you really got her having to speak with the general public with all their accents and their slang the vocabulary every day mastered her English in the fastest time possible so he had total respect for what she was doing even though he was a financial independent you know real estate investor at age 35 you know and this woman comes over and and she’s working at a Kinkos he never dissed her like that you know even though his income was the one critical to their life he never treated her with contempt you know and even if your woman’s doing something that makes no money she’s starting an online business you know she’s making some crafts that you just sell the weekends at craft fairs treating with as much respect and dignity as anything because it’s your woman it’s hurry or treating with respect and dignity it’s her and something tied to her should be precious to you and you should love it be genuinely interested in curious about her work what she does how she feels about it what it means to her he never wrong getting the common meaning of things yeah and just deeply appreciate it and that’s it the last point is to be grateful for her heart because she wants to contribute to the family no matter whether it’s a little a lot these women want to find their place and this goes back to another quote out of John Eldridge his book wild at heart pardon the first one is that she wants to be pursued but second of all she wants to find herself to be an indispensable part of your adventure she wants to know that she can come in there and be so valuable to you and what she can contribute that she just becomes irreplaceable she wants to be replaceable and so for her that’s in these women’s hearts and maybe that’s another thing about traditional values I don’t know but she wants just to be an indispensable part of your life and whatever she can do to help and so if she can go to work and a little bit helps there she feels like she’s doing something you know and even if she’s not what she’s doing at home to support you becomes something that she feels you’re doing something to to support the whole be grateful quarto practice she has that kind of heart don’t look down on whatever her career isn’t treated like a hobby okay alright now let’s talk about community life I love this topic because you have to understand now and the two of you become one and so you reflect on each other and so behave in a way that always makes her feel like she made the right choice in marriage isn’t a great way to put it I always behave in a way that makes her feel so glad that she chose you make her proud wherever you go consider what you’re dressed in considered just the way you treat her consider the way you speak about her in public consider the back you’ll never put her down or speak ill of her it’s anyone else you know be a class act to other people make generous a generous guy and every time she sees the way in community you relate to others it’ll make her proud it’ll make her proud everybody who likes you becomes a real reaffirmation to her that Wow see everybody likes my man this is my man I I picked good makes sense I like that framework everywhere you go with or without her consider yourself to be her representative to you know we are marking on a Davis and it’s almost like my middle name is Anne Donna I mean so like everywhere I go I’m representing my wife and guess what she brought that value to me then our marriage she’s one taught it to me everywhere she goes she feels she represents me and it’s a gift it’s beautiful it’s a beautiful thing so value it in what she brings to you and return that to her always representing her well and then also just give space to each other you may have community life that’s separate you may have separate community circles and things you’d like to do and hobbies or people you hang out with that are separate I mean you’re not you you’re not clinging to each other you both should have great social lives that are hobbies or things you do that are apart from each other then you come back to the other compare notes and get excited but you know give space but everybody grieve whatever it what’s the saying it’s like oh hey it’s been said so many times it’s probably I don’t know there’s an original source for this quote but it’s like how can I miss you if you never go away and it’s a drill commit from a movie that was funny but yet is still the same it’s like in in the power of giving space you create longing again if you never left each other you at some point you’d feel a little bit smothered so honor that and honor the people who are her friends outside you do not get into the jealousy thing do not ever because listen first of all one of the other values that comes into image incredible loyalty and literally I’ve said this in the beginning when I realized how solid my wife’s loyalty was to me like wow I mean it was almost intimidating is like the common phrase I came up this woman would take a bullet from the holy cow you know and so you don’t have to worry about her you’re solid you’re good a woman is never gonna leave a man that she adores ever for anybody else for any paycheck for nothing this is her me and her identity is now connected to you and that’s one of those values in getting these international marriages all right let’s talk about your minds your soul line if your intellect your emotions together this is this is the juice and it’s all I’m gonna do this for a little bit ultimately Amit you think about this ultimately what you really want is that deep feeling of love someone to give love to and a rewarding feeling of just being loved by somebody in return I mean guys to have a woman just adore you it is the greatest thing in the whole world I’m telling you there’s nothing like it in and guys are our tours will also come back in OSAC feel like I’m 18 again but you feel giddy in love and and have a woman that just emotionally just she’s your she pours herself and her energy and her loving her feelings into you so ultimately ultimately this is why you even want a relationship with a woman because you want to be adored you you want to have her I mean obviously 102 with that adoration to to hear those words that she’s she just she believes in you you know she has faith in you you’re her hero and the affection of her holding your arm and in hugging me being physically connected with you are all a reflection out that pour from this first of all this core notion that she has and its grows and glows so once she has to do something with it’s just reported on you and she can do little things give you little things treat you with kindness you know dude learn what you love so she’ll do that I’ve interviewed these ladies overseas and and a couple of times I’ve asked this question it’s like you know if you do find your dream man you know what little things would you love to do for him you know that you can do that that just gonna make him feel loved what kinds of things can you see yourself doing and I had a couple these ladies and they’re brilliant say I can’t answer that you know I was kind of taken aback and I go look it’s gonna depend on my man I’m gonna learn what makes him feel loved I’m gonna learn what makes them happy and I’m gonna do those things but until I meet him I can’t I can’t tell you what I’m gonna be doing because I don’t know him yet and that’s the answer it’s like when they feel that love corny other heart they want to do that and to have this woman comes for these guys is just ten years later and this woman my wife still everything she thinks first and foremost I always have to have the best I mean even if she goes out she goes out and gives herself an Apple watch right yeah and so but for me she had to get me the next model Locker I didn’t care but for her it’s important I have to have the best ten years later you know I’m just telling you this so keep this in mind I’m I’m overstating this and overstating I want to emotionally embed this into this deep desire because one in this relationship you have because ultimately all of this this all of this is about you waking up every day feeling deeply in love there’s somebody who just adores you okay put a pin in that hold it that that’s gonna stay there for the rest of the talk and it certainly should cast a shadow on everything we’ve already talked to born out you always want to live that every day of your life okay now let’s get into some subcategories there so treat those feelings as your closest and most precious treasure those feelings of love loving someone being loved the emotions that come with it you know guys we don’t normally consider ourselves emotional creatures because in the West that term sort of is feminized but guys have the greatest emotions in the world dude we love football we love the champion things we love competition we love winning we love going to work we love charging the hill we love listening to motivational videos we’ve listened that those are emotions dude when I get out in the morning I’ve got this this power talk thing you know you go to and just type in inspirational videos or motivational videos and hit one of those just to even a five or ten minute one you can we going yeah yeah guys we a lot of our emotions are just different from women in some ways but do not get a get away from this thing singing a bit the emotions are a feminine thing they’re not ours are different than theirs I love being a man I love having my masculine emotions I love winning I look helping somebody win I love seeing somebody come alive I love what it makes me feel like when when I get an email that says mark this all happened because of you I you know I have to give you full credit I know this wouldn’t happen if it wasn’t it’s like what does that do for me I love these emotions so understand that the emotions you feel with this woman in this love great closing just adds color to every part of your life you have to value it it’s the reason you’re in the relationship it is your most precious treasure the rest of these points I’m going to talk about are about how you need to guard and protect it that tender collagenous of those feelings those emotions okay now with that in mind with Skinner the rest of these points your ultimate goal in your communication with her is to enjoy these emotions and to work out anything that could temporary block them talk about conflicts interpersonal conflicts and keep in mind anytime you have a conflict the goal of resolving that is to get back to these emotions that’s where you love to live creating oneness there’s a sense of your wife’s connection with you and in a you need to learn to monitor it and keep it there where it needs to be and quickly work back to get to oneness again when you live in this model where you know it’s comfortable it’s effortless it’s giving and receiving you know it’s just so healthy and you value and treasure new using emotions you have which you end up creating a sense of oneness and and some of the things I’m going to tell you about 200 how to keep plugged into each other’s lives be curious and draw and listen and just feel everything you can and almost make it like a question it’s like how deep can go with each other what what is possible in this you know how big can these emotions get how much can I love you how much do you love me what can we do for anything can we do and creat that oneness we feel each other and this is true guys if you haven’t ever experienced realize I’d say it’s a fact and in most of the guys in my married couples will tell you this is true you get a sense of connection is so strong with your woman all of them will tell you times when they have just felt I mean even when they’re apart maybe across the world they felt something happened with their wife or they felt something going on you give a call so well how did you know to call me I how do you describe that and the timing and so many guys have said we both hit Send on the phone at the same moment and and we’re sitting here going different time zones around the world and it says incoming caller I’m calling her you know how does that happen there’s something in the spirit world that just exists and to people who are intimately connected and I’m talking about a spiritual soul level together with each other they’re intimately connected they’re there create something I called oneness and it said joking thing where you know people say you can finish each other’s sentences and some people give them a place where they don’t even have to say words and they already know what the other person is thinking and feeling it’s that good and and when you have that kind of oneness also then notice when it gets broken you’ll feel just a disconnect and you have no reason for it and you can just vibrators everything okay over there you know it whatever and you’ll find out you know but but monitor it and maybe show say no no I’m fine I’m just I’m busy and thought I’m just working right now okay cool I’m just checking yeah and don’t obviously you’re not gonna get obsessed and paranoid over this stuff but I’m just saying if you’re monitoring and keeping what you enjoying your life together what I’m talking about next is conflict resolution but I want you understand this is the whole thing if you’re one with her you’ll feel it when something happens and in catch it right away don’t be afraid to speak out and say something these guys are timid they’re afraid because of the Western relationship models they’re all afraid you know because because what happens the Western model is there’s a conflict the threat is on the other side is oh my gosh it’s gonna now you know this could be into the relationship and the nuclear relationship def button could happen because we have a conflict that doesn’t happen with them over there they separate conflict in the relationship and they just deal with whatever the topic is in the conflict is they love you it’s just this really pissed them off and so let’s work it out because I want to get back to loving you again okay kind of mind I’m hammering this over and over again because I want you to hear it and adopt it and own it and change your life and give you such a more joyous life and the way men were often used to handling resolving conflicts but usually means us crushing and winning okay so again your purpose and resolving conflict is to restore your oneness it’s not to be right or to win a fight is the end of the day if you prove see I was right okay well then guess what you just crush the woman you love and you’ve completely killed your ones you know you’ve lost you totally told her I had no respect for you this was all about me and I went you lose really really and so the most valuable thing in the world to you he went got this woman whore was this amazing emotion so how she she’d adores you how she portion he like gives to you and you just squish it and say none of that matters to me I matter because I had to be proven right you had to be proven wrong and then who’s the winner you didn’t win you just bought yourself isolation and coldness you lost the warmth you lost the love you lost the affection the purpose of resolving conflicts is to restore your oneness and all the tenants all the reasons you got the relationship to begin with now we have been screwing this up as men for decades and also within your communication getting to know her in oneness that you’re getting to know how she let me know she resolves conflicts ask her openly hey how do you normally do that if you have a fight with somebody what do you do because chances are the way she’s trying to resolve things in the past it may have been different than yours and this becomes especially if one of the two people at both of you I’ve heaven forbid if it’s both you but one of the two of you have typically come from a place where your little conflict avoidant and so a lot of times the answer is to say nothing and just suck it up that doesn’t help it doesn’t produce warm fuzzies and you just stay in this land of cold so learn to just openly say what is it talking about it put it on the table you know how do you deal with conflicts if this avoidance tactic I know you’re shy you don’t want to create problems you don’t want to need to be angry you don’t want to offend me but I also want us to feel like this so how can we better come up with a way so you just feel loved again I want you to feel my love and I want you to feel my acceptance how do we beat us same thing with you if you’re the one that tends to clam up and suck it up you’ve got to find a way to warm up and let her unconditional love and acceptance come back in your life never compete with your woman in your conflict resolutions it’s not a point okay you are as a man physically stronger louder an argument and you need to control yourself first and this something I’m you know even at my age of wisdom in years you have come to a place right fine there’s certain times I stood in the triggers something will happen to me that nobody told me about came out of the blue and people should have told all around me how could this have already gotten to the stage and nobody even told me and I and I get into this anger and sometimes it’s happened I talked to you know one of my people working three four years and they talked about a day going past which they affectionately talk now which is good because it means today I have a good relationship we’re going to talk about days gone past when I did this deal and you know in the in that moment where they want to present to me a new idea how to do something well because he was already 90 percent done with formatting the thought and I was at Ground Zero my immediate pushback was you can’t implement something without telling you about it bring me into the process and I basically crushed crushed his idea and I felt bad about it but I understand i emotionally responded and so now I’m very intentional to not emotional respond to be in control step back take a breath you okay women listen it’s let’s give them the privilege and the blessing to be able to explain to me and I’m just gonna receive and honestly I got to tell you this this happened recently I was at a moment where someone’s introduced to me that was new I wasn’t expecting it and I felt myself getting into my first response mode and I said hey I’ll be back in five and I left and walk around the block and just said let it go release come back in alright so tell me what’s up how did this get here who’s this about and you know what are we here to do you know and so much healthier position to be in same thing the conflict resolution being a good place to do it you know and if you have to take your time now my wife has said in the early days you know she I had these tendencies guys I’m human I you know I was insensitive in many ways I just described you one of them you know and so my wife said she would go for a walk and she goes babe I gave it to the honest you didn’t know this but sometimes they’re gonna be gone for three hours walking around just a that’s why I didn’t quite ever have that effect on somebody and then she’d come back and then have a great conversation about it and I was even immediately like of course paid no really no problem I had no idea yeah and I learned from it the the amazing wisdom that woman had to know herself to know that if she responded in that moment with those emotions it was not gonna be good for anybody and so for her to go take a walk and come back you know I learned from that so I’m at or by learning from my young wife you know it honestly just come from such a bad call me too just doing it I’m just telling you but always treat her is that more fragile creation and protector this comes from Paul’s teachings you know treating your women is more fragile vessels it can be broken and so you want to protect them because you can in your masculine energy in your strength your velocity your intensity your your loudness your physical power you can crush them understand they’re fragile and protect them okay and in conversation just remember any problem can be solved so whatever it is it can be solved in conversation so you just get to the conversation forget about the emotional hang ups like oh my gosh you know I’m you know what if she said just start just start and don’t be too timid about it remember how you deliver something to creates the energy around it and I give this example like when you have a kid and the kid goes and it falls down and scrapes his name’s got a little bloody spot there not a big just a little you script isn’t he right and he looks to you and you know and so depending on how you respond will tell him how he should respond about his own injury so childhood is like this and you look down you go oh man man you really bit the dirt let me see that how does that thing can you still walk do we need to ease your leg gonna fall off you’re good all right all right get back out there and play kids up back down pond you’ll be good you know the other side and typically come on I’m stereotyping now moms like oh my god are you sick right and it’s the same scenario it’s the same situation so when you come into a conflict if you bring in the energy like I’m horrified you know Amy it’s like Italy you know it’s like you set the tone so always when you come into the conflict think about the outcome where you want to go at the end of it by the time you’re done with this conversation where do you want to be with her where do you want the two of you to be right and so come in with that energy that mindset on the beginning one of you one of the reasons you picked each other is that you believe that the two of you could overcome any state or say honey listen I love you from beginning and one of the things I always said as I move it between the two of us we can always overcome anything that came our way so let’s go after this let’s get on let’s get it done so we can get back to our warm fuzzies and consider every frustration in and again we as guys have to value judge is this frustration more important than she is to me and that’s exactly what happens to so many of us fast we get this offense becomes more important than our relationship to her or more important than her feelings and we don’t mind breaking her because we’re so frustrated she needs me broken because what she did to me it’s payback you know and again at the end of the day the end of that conversation what’s the outcome what did that get for you are you any closer warm and fuzzies or did you just completely create the darkness of isolation and you break that that that chemistry you have each other okay treat the communication treat the communication in the conflict with a core belief that she is more important to you than the frustration always believe it you know at the end you are more important to me than whatever this thing is that happened you then work it out as a separate subject that doesn’t threaten your relationship it’s just a thing to be worked out okay I’m going to get back to the one presence so inferior communication insists on finding times every day to catch up like you said there be part of communities where she may have a community circle or work or hobbies or things that are that are apart from you which is healthy you will too and things one your day and find ways just to cap upon each other’s lives and give a gift to listening their person we just don’t resist the urge to emotionally get sucked in and want to fix everything it because she’ll talk about her frustrations because you’re in her safe place be her safe place if guys every time she comes after you you’ve gotta like get defensive nobody just that’s why I can’t take it in town you know that your purse didn’t feel like I can’t tell him anything he wants to go kill somebody you know you need to give her the gift of being a safe place and she’ll do the same for you okay give her the credit as an adult equal that she can actually solve her own frustrations at work or in other relationships she’s just expressing them she had them and then at the right time and ultimately it’s at the end of you’re listening to her of course she’s offered there’s anything you can do to help her in that but just be emotionally calm and be her strength my wife said of what I love about my husband is is you know all the work I do the place I have to interact with glad to be so strong and put on a good face I come around my man I can just rest I love that picture I love being that guy who she can just rest your head on my chest and go ah I’m safe this is my safe spot I love being their safety never assume anyone can read your mind either and make it clear to her that you can’t read hers either and I told my wife this and this is true true conversation I had with my wife I said listen I do not believe in this thing that if you love me you should already know what I want you should know what I think and I said that’s crap so I said please understand anything you tell me that you’re frustrated with anything you want I will own that as my responsibility now to respond and do the best I can for it if you don’t tell me I refuse to own it I mean I was really that clear before we were married you know so so and she totally agreed it’s been great the whole time you know she’s she’s very clear on on you know she if she hasn’t said some of these because she wants to own it and she’s cool with it you know and there’s stuff and like we can’t we try to share everything we can’t we can’t you can’t possibly give every little detail of everything everyday but the open that you’re cool is sharing anything that could come your way but make it clear look if I want to hold her accountable for something in our marriage then talking about it so he can clearly say okay I really would love this this I I came in expecting this was gonna happen and didn’t happen was I unrealistic in my expectation or that I just not communicate or you know is that something I should just assume myself I’m telling you this unrealistic expectations are the source of all unhappiness you know and so you really have to question what your expectations are and in conversation you can do all that okay communicate clearly what you like and you don’t like and and be comfortable saying let her find wings to to meet your needs and give you what you like intentionally create positive experience memories together they don’t happen by accident you know oh they’re you I just said they don’t happen by accident but are easily created between two loving people who radiate those wonderful feelings or oneness together you guys won’t just spontaneously create fun memories and moments but at the same time if you’re just sitting on the couch focus on a TV not each other you’re not creating any you know any memories here may be some exceptions if you’re both liked and that’s in the game of Thrones and you’re watching it together and talking about it becomes a shared experience but you have to think about it get out do something anything even I mean I can’t say how many marriages talk about walks in the park was their great memory why what’s buildable walking apart well it’s in those moments that you’re quiet your way it’s only the two of you and you having some great conversation loop stress sweetness to each other and some of that radiant energy looking for it gets shared that’s delicious all right let’s talk about sex now the principle is here and I want you understand clearly women for women intimacy is all about emotional feelings and closeness and the warmth of her man you know what she wants it to do is like for us we just men some some guys are still in the mindset it’s all about I have tensions that come up on Nita movies and for her it’s like you know if I cannot see my next point here if her man represents her love Julie respect loyalty and deep care this powerful desire and her is gonna grow she wants you she wants to give to you because for her if she can feel the deep feelings that you have on a daily basis that are so wonderful if she can pour those into sex they will explode with amazing oneness and amazing sex and go any direction you wanted to because you’re just you go deeper into each other so as I said before when you ask that questions like how deacons go how good can these feelings get when in sex you can do that how deep is going you know you’re looking at or I and your feelings things all the rest of it I I’m getting some very specific tips here in a second but keep that in mind for her to say this is my man I want to make it happy it’s gonna be her presiding attitude if you’re maintaining the one is if you’re maintaining the glow of your energy together the very thing you’ve got in a relationship to begin with if she’s feeling that from you and realizing your loyalty dedication your joyous energy that you you would delight in her you delight in her this isn’t my woman oh my gosh I’m so proud of you you’re beautiful tonight yes you know I’m always proud I walk in the room and I always had the most beautiful you know that he’s all of this she feels your energy she’s gonna feel the same back baby this is my man especially in community when she sees you in community that other people respect you too the way you treat people she’s gonna want to take you home and reward you did your her man yeah man and and it comes out naturally they’re all this uh people out the for sex I later I’m probably an entire college just on this because there’s there’s so much dysfunction and the mentality that has come up in over years with this topic that it doesn’t need to be taught but for then I just keep this thread in mind about what’s creating the oneness and how it affects your internal life and again I go back to that physical example relationship with flexing the acts of sex you know the men leads most men in in sexual adventure lead in what they want they want her or the pleasure they give her and in in return she gives back to him life giving energy and and you’ll find that to be reflected but again this comes from your leadership of you protecting that most valuable treasure that that oneness the feelings you have together with each other and again the example I wanted to bring up is that note of Napoleon Josephine you know the story is the commander’s the other people who fought alongside with Napoleon always felt more confident when Josephine was was in the commander’s tent because the Napoleon was just on fire he was a man who could not lose and they knew they would win the day if she was there and and part of it is if nursed and not only was her Joey and and heard her delight in her and how they had that explosive feeling of love just incredible that’s just this passion for each other you drive me crazy with my love for you you know but she was also his safe place and he was her champion he could come back in and attend after a brutal thing of what what they had to do he could just skinned his knees and drop his head in her lap and she could pet his head just and that’s okay so I can’t hear you this mighty warrior this killer of men comes back and crumbles himself in a woman’s lap but that’s that’s the relationship and that’s the beauty of it guys we want a place to do that want a safe place she wants a champion and so the two things work so well together it’s it’s a picture of the emotional dynamics between men and women in my book mastering the adventure of international dating go to amazon. com just type in international dating as keywords my book pops up to the top number one and in there they’re torn about the letter that I I wrote to my wife and I also go out that I love and this poem really describes its energy even better and it’s called the radiance passions so please go back there and find a book and look for the radiant passions for her physical intimacy is a direct reflection of Ocean ‘el intimacy and her feelings about being with her man it’s awesome intimacy continued amazing sex is about following the deep emotional energy between you wherever it may lead it can go anywhere and it’ll be different different times depending on where you are in your inner tenderness mode or whether you ramped up with you know with energy you want to be crazy you just want to get out of boxing and you’re communicating you’ll know where each other are and you just follow it communicate during sex tell me what it feels good compliment are things are just amazing that you’re loving about what she’s doing right now you know talk of your your love and emotional connection for her now I will say this when you’re telling you I love you and stuff like that and you’re only saying it during moments of intimacy you’re not saying similar things and even more outside of intimacy you’re dead don’t do that don’t go there because she’ll think there is no love here he’s only saying that now because he’s getting something be careful about how pornography may be influencing selfish sex desires that are detached from a person the danger of pornography you know is that it creates this this thing where all of it is about you just want these things done it’s just the things I’ll say and it’s all but focus on the loop I went to her to do this I want her to do this was she willing to do this to do this kind of sex and it’s about you and all this internal stuff means these crazy thoughts in your head and you’ve been feeding it with just feeds you you know this imagination or do this don’t do that and it’s attached from a person a crime whose detachment person you’re feeling all this ramped up energy of desire for these crazy things you want to do in an empty room so just be careful of how that may have influenced your desire for what you want to do you know in sexist because you’ve been driven by this this thing and it’s been detached from a person it’s not driven by your intimacy about your closeness with this woman where you want to do things maybe anything it’d be crazy things but it’s driven by the fact that you want to do things that just spark the two of you and driving culture together as an entity so focus on that and deeply rewarding and satisfying marriage can be a pluralist in my conclusion hear and understand that truly gets know each other that’s the exploration so I said it’s my wife after knowing her for five days I said I could spend a whole life and not get to know everything there is no that’s really deep soul you know and be curious going to each other ask more questions value the feelings the relationship is designed to create the whole reason you’re there your purpose in resolving conflicts again is to restore your oneness not to be right in a point enjoy affection all the time not just an intimacy enjoy the touch and the holding hands reaching under putting your arm around her be present with each other whenever you’re together even if you’re sitting and talking you reach over touch your knee should touch yours grab her hand hold it kiss her hand while you’re talking just little things and speak about your love with each other and in many ways not just audibly but you know text whether a note sent her an email sent a voice message whatever you can do little ways to show and speak up your love for each other that obviously match for love language as well be grateful every day because in this kind of relationship that’s based on oneness is rare it’s precious it’s special it’s a treasure we’re doing it again you know through connections we’ve got all these relationships and no divorces and in the common description of our marriages that are so comfortable together so with that when you’re in one of these do you think for every day because you know what you will be one of those where if somebody else were asked the question do you know any couple have a relationship so amazing I wish I don’t just like them giving you baby I wish that for you all right so is it right you ready to meet yours all right well come join us during connection calm / romance to learn all about what we do over there is to introduce men’s there ladies at the end to start this amazing life together I hope you enjoyed those basic marriage tips and you can see clearly else and create a lifetime of joy and deep satisfaction and that’s what that’s why you do everything you do all right catch a nice ..