#67 Can You Save A Marriage After Separation? Stop Divorce – Marriage Advice
#67 Can You Save A Marriage After Separation? Stop Divorce – Marriage Advice
welcome to how to save your marriage wouldn’t it Conibear a show full of tips and practical strategies to repair rebuild and strengthen your relationship if you are currently stuck wondering if your marriage can be saved or you know you want to save it but don’t know how to go about changing it this show is for you and now here is your host Nicola bier who specializes in a proven 10 step program to help couples increase their love passion and happiness in their marriage in 30 days or less guaranteed so much for tuning in today I hope you’re well wherever you are listening in right now one of the things I would love to talk to you about and I’m going to talk to you today about is separation can you save a marriage after separation or is it the end the most common questions I get asked is how can you save a marriage after separation or how can I get my husband or wife to reconsider a separation or my husband and wife is insisting on a separation what can I do Nicola these are important questions as it’s a critical time if you want to save your marriage it doesn’t matter whether you are currently physically separated or just thinking about having a separation there are certain things you must do to help the relationship regardless of the underlying problems a separation is typically an emotionally tense time for both partners anxiety feelings of overwhelm frustration regrets and loneliness are to be expected however a separation in marriage can also serve as a valuable wake up call giving both of you time to create and recreate a new beginning for you and any children for some married men and women separation has come after months or even years of tension and turmoil in the relationship for others it can seem more like a hit and run where the shock of the news that your husband or wife wants to separate can literally knock you to the floor whether you saw the signs or not is not of importance right now beating yourself up pondering over where you went wrong again and again is only going to drive you further apart and most likely insane now is a time for action and I’ve created this to help you as how you act now in the hours the days and the weeks after a separation it’s critical because it will determine how your fate as a couple will be I know what works I’ve helped thousands of marriages now and I don’t want you to make the same mistakes so many unintentionally make if this is describing your situation I suggest that you listen to this podcast straight away and that you follow the principles that are going to be sharing with you you may also want to check out my free marriage secret masterclass which is a 60 minute video where I talk about the three key ways to really start transforming a relationship even if you are the only one trying and I’m gonna put the link with this podcast where you’ll be able to watch it this video has transformed thousands of relationships now in record time and so do check that out whatever you do don’t let another day go by without getting the right knowledge and support through a separation if you don’t want the separation how to make it a part time short time separation not something that leads to divorce so here are some strategies to save a marriage after separation step one is to avoid blaming blaming is not going to do you any good but it can be so easy to blame your husband or wife or they’ll action or their inaction in the relationship in fact the more you turn to focus on what went wrong and who is to blame the more negative your picture of the relationship will become negativity breeds negativity if you are focusing on saving your marriage after separation then you’ll want to deal with any anger or resentment in a healthy way helping individuals and couples rid themselves of resentment it’s something I’ve become somewhat of an expert it’s important to rid yourself of anger as you don’t need to say anything to know your partner is angry you can feel anger you can feel resentment it’s one of those emotions and feelings that can be expressed without any words even someone’s facial expressions can show resentment you can feel a cold intense and protected heart and you know the difference between an open and a loving heart and this is why it’s really important to take responsibility for our own attitude for our own action and look within looking within is the fastest way to save the marriage after separation step two is to set clear expectations of what the separation is going to look like one of the reasons marriages tend to go through a crisis or even ended divorce is because of misaligned expectations where a husband or wife thought their spouse would behave differently to how they are get really clear on what your partner is expecting from you during the separation get clear on how you both see it working and make sure that your separation discussion covers all of these that are relevant are important to you one frequency of communication how often are you going to communicate when you’re separated type of communication are you going to email are you going to send cards are you going to whatsapp are you going to call how are you going to communicate three financial matters who’s going to manage what how are you going to communicate over the bills how is it all going to be divided or sorted to child or domestic duties who’s going to look after what how when if you’ve got children how are you gonna divide the time who’s gonna do the homework who’s gonna take them to birthday parties and do things this all needs to be discussed then there’s social activities and events are you still going to go to family engagement social activities school events or other events together separately and then lastly very importantly you also want to know what you’re going to say to others ideally you want to have a kind of celebrity statement I say celebrity because this is what celebrities do when they get separated or divorced they say we are working things through and at the moment we’re just taking time for ourselves or whatever it is if you do need to tell you may decide that you’re not going to tell anyone anything until you’ve got through this so it’s completely up to you and then there’s the relationship what is that going to look like will you still date will you still be intimate will you engage with each other or are you breaking dating and intimacy step three to save a marriage after separation is to address the root issues the front of separation or an actual separation can be a valuable opportunity to assess your relationship for what is working and what has not been working I have everyone who joins the Empowered love program email me a list of complaints their partner has made about them over the years we then analyze them for common themes and fears if you want to save a relationship after separation and stop divorce the real issues really need to be addressed as a problem I noticed in my own relationships and then those are helped is that we bicker about a lot of surface stuff and the real pain or her is not expressed or healed perhaps you’re listening to this thinking the cause seems obvious it’s an affair it’s an addiction it’s an anger issue however behind these three which I deal most often with anger addiction and Affairs there are probably several underlying root causes linked to negative previous experiences and emotions that have not been addressed personally suffered for many addictive patterns and getting help to cure these was only the beginning underneath lay low self esteem and lack of self love loneliness and a huge and I say huge and then really mean huge amount of fear that was me what’s underneath your troubles in your relationship what is that the core support in this area can be vital and ideally not solely from your spouse from someone you trust an expert in the field step 4 to saving your marriage after separation its forgiveness forgiveness is a gift you give yourself Anthony Robbins it is an essential that you could forgive and let go of the past to create a new relationship how can you focus on a new beginning and a new relationship if you’re stuck in the past even if you decide not to reconcile you still want to let go of the past and forgive because holding on to it is really painful and you want to free yourself from having to hold onto it you want to learn from the challenges so that you can grow together again and step 5 to saving a marriage of separation it’s create special dates the time you spend together after separation is essential is key it needs to be pleasurable as whether you like it or not both of you will be hypersensitive and more than likely analyzing and judging everything so you’ll want to make sure that you meet each other at a good place at a good time if you’re stressed from work if you’re tired if you’re hungry if you’re ill or get road rage on a particular route avoid these states by planning it look for opportunities to interact with your spouse in a pleasant atmosphere often the men I support will say to me Nicola my wife doesn’t want to see me alone yet I cannot do anything however through talking it through we brainstorm ways than which they can actually make the simple of exchanges of children extra special we look at ways that they can even if they’ve only got 15 minutes when they’re dropping off their children or doing the homework or fixing something kid in the house how they can make those critical times to transform the relationship and how they can make these special invitations to entice their partner and create special family events so make it a priority to have fun and laugh together as a couple once again so you can both remember why you fell in love in the first place and create new positive memories step 6 to saving a marriage of the separation is one of the ones that I love the best and that’s look to the future as you know I’m all about the future and moving away from the past when it comes to working with couples reigniting passion in a marriage of the separation requires leaving the past behind in creating a new way forward no matter what has happened if you want to save the marriage the future has to look bright there has to be meaning and reason for why the two of you are together I’ll cover three parts in this when I guide people to save their marriage and rekindle their relationship these are creating new rituals shared goals and dreams all of which can create a new positive path for you both you may be thinking but Nicola we are separated we are not going to be talking about our future together I get there that is why you can do all of these steps without talking simply by being and focusing on what you want step 7 to saving a marriage of the separation is respect respect your partner a critical step towards repairing the relationship is reinstalling respect if lost or maintaining it if you have it showing respect throughout the separation involves sticking to the agreements that you made not over communicating not under communicating listening and supporting one each other being flexible respect for each other space respect to each other’s pace of the relationship respect to each other’s boundaries in the separation as well as support for the roles you each take on in your daily life when we feel respected we feel good and warm to our partner if we feel disrespected in our relationship the quickest way to get that respect is to respect them to show so much respect that they will reciprocate and this happens all the time respect is essential for relationship happiness when overcoming challenges respects helps to approach them in a kind and thoughtful manner step 8 to save a marriage after separation is effective communication it’s crucial to be sharing your true feelings when going through a rough time in the relationship being vulnerable can build closeness however you need to be careful not to over express yourself where you repeat how you feel and what you want to happen again and again when we obsess about our wants desires and feelings in the relationship and continually push them on our partner we crushed the relationship and attraction I used to keep saying to my ex but I want this and I want that I didn’t realize how self centered I was being back then it’s so hard to see when you’re in it so be careful not to over communicate if you’re confused on this ask yourself have I shown I’ve kept have I shown I care do they know that I care about them if yes they’re neither there’s no need to keep on communicating if they know that you care and you love them and you’re waiting for them and you’re respecting their boundaries and space if you’re not sure then send one message expressing that you care and that you’re expecting their boundaries and you want to give them some time and you’d love to hear from them anytime they’re ready because in doing that you’re showing you care you’re keeping the channels of communication open but it’s not too much the bottom line to managing it is to show your true feelings show your love and avoid over communication I had a couple that I was working with it was separated last week and she got very annoyed because her husband was texting her every day saying good morning and she thought what pointless message why is he showing me good morning everyone every morning I used to just annoy her and I said to her walk ji won and she said I’d rather just one message every other day or every three days with him showing his emotions to me good morning means nothing and it’s annoying and it’s like we don’t even know each other we were married or we are married she said you know for 12 years and now he’s just saying me a good morning like a two sentence in two words and so it was actually turning her away from him so get in touch with me if you’re confused on this because it’s really important to get the right balance it’s really important how you act during separation is critical and you may just want a brainstorm as many of you know or you may not know you may know that I do offer a free relationship rescue strengthening consultation and you can book that by visiting my website I put the link below to how to get a free consultation with me and if you’re stuck take advantage of this now I do it because I really want to help couples to save their relationship I wouldn’t want to save any heartache and support you to have the dream life that you really want together so I’d love to hear from you on this topic or any other suggestions or questions thank you to those who have left me a rating or review I really appreciate it because it helps us show stay visible which means more people can get the support that they need and that’s my aim have a wonderful week ahead thank you so much for listening from my heart to yours take thank you for listening to how to save your marriage with Nicola beer to book your free save my marriage consultation please visit www. kingston. com/support for 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